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If John Mack Had Gotten His Way, He And Blankfein Would've Told Jimmy Chanos And His Friends Where They Could Go On National TV

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Most of you will probably agree that when you want to get a serious message out the (financial services) masses, the best medium through which to send it is a place where your news is served with a dash of Kneale and a pinch of MMC's tits. That's why on September 17 of last year, John Mack called up Lloyd Blankfein and asked him to appear, hand in hand, on CNBC. The two men (believed) they were under attack by the shorts, and needed to go on the offensive. Unfortunately, such a broadcast never came to pass, due to the indirect influence of a certain Italian-American investigative journalist (more on that later), and they had to settle for a letter to the paradoxically named Chris Cox. But let's backtrack for a sec, and examine the mental state the Knife was in when he came up with the idea to give it to the shorts live. Obviously he was under a lot of stress during those fateful days in September, and while he probably wasn't ready to laugh at it at the time, will likely now join us as we review some of the sound bites that came out of his and his lieutenants mouth re: getting the Dick Fuld end of the stick.
Where is that little shit, David Einhorn, huh? When I find that pipqueak I'm gonna rip his urethra out through his throat. They can't do this to us!

While Mack was beginning to believe that the hedge funds were conspiring against the firm--"This is what they did to Dick [Fuld, of Lehman Brothers]!" he roared, referring to the Monday implosion of Lehman--there was fresh evidence that some of them actually did need the cash. Funds that had accounts at Lehman's London office couldn't get at them and came begging to Morgan Stanley and Goldman.

Can't we make citizen's arrest or something?!?

"It's outrageous what's going on here," Mack almost shouted, arguing that the raid on Morgan Stanley's stock was "immoral if not illegal."

We can't "blame" them but we can imply that the source of their power is derived from sucking the essence out of newborns and sacrificing live goats following a bestial rituals on the first of each month. That's not an urban myth-- know a guy who saw it happen at least once.

Colm Kelleher, Morgan Stanley's 51-year-old C.F.O., was more fatalistic--the short-sellers couldn't be stopped, he believed, or even necessarily blamed. They were market creatures, doing what they had to do to survive. "They are cold-blooded reptiles," he told Mack. "They eat what's in front of them."

I repeat: they can't do this to us! We gotta cut them off at the knees! Colm, go get my gun!

Tom Nides, Mack's chief administrative officer, thought they needed to go on the offensive. He encouraged his boss to start working the phones in Washington and impress upon them the need to put in place a ban on short-selling. "We've got to shut down these assholes!" he told Mack.

But how? The only way we can get people to listen: a TV address that starts out "Hi, I'm John Mack. Hi, I'm Lloyd Blankfein. I'd like to take a moment to talk to you about a serious issue that affects us all-- incontinence. Also: short sellers. And ends with a duet even Dancing With The Stars would be proud to broadcast.

Desperate for an ally, Mack contacted his most serious rival, Lloyd Blankfein, of Goldman. "Lloyd, you guys are in the same boat as I am." He asked Blankfein to appear on CNBC with him, as a show of force.

If only.

While the 53-year-old Goldman C.E.O. kept a television in his office, he was so disgusted with what he believed was CNBC's Charlie Gasparino's "rumor-mongering" that he had turned it off in protest. "That's not my thing," he told Mack. "I don't do TV."

Andrew Ross Sorkin's 'Too Big To Fail' [VF]



John Mack Takes Some Time Out From His Retirement To Gently Sh!t On Millennials

The former Morgan Stanley CEO is kvetching about "Kids these days!"

John Mack Takes Another Job That Doesn't Involve Selling Shoes At Bergdorf Goodman

Earlier today, KKR announced that former Morgan Stanley Chairman and CEO John Mack will be joining the private equity firm as a senior adviser, "supporting new investing activities and providing counsel to KKR portfolio companies." Including the new gig, Mack is now working three jobs, the others being "part-time adviser" to Morgan Stanley and author (as previously noted, he's working on a book). And while it's nice to see him keeping busy, you know what these little diversions don't leave a lot of time for? Going after his dream. As you may recall, back in December Mack told a room full of Morgan Stanley employees that if he hadn't become a banker, he would have been a women's shoe salesman and that in the years since he chose one path over another, the former has never come close to replacing the latter when it comes to things that light a fire inside him. Even when he was CEO of Credit Suisse and Morgan Stanley, Mack found time to stop by Bergdorf Goodman and "watch the fierce New York ladies trying on Manolo Blahniks," often advising them on what to purchase, based on which pairs spoke to him and which did not ("Those-- those are the ones. Get them," he would say with undeniably certainty). Which was why, Mack said with a glimmer in his eye, his retirement would include being a "part-time salesman at Berdorf's." And, yet, here we are, more than three months later, and no such job has been procured. What's more, a spokeswoman for the department store has said that despite possessing an undeniable love and appreciation for shoes and being a born salesman, in order to work the floor, Mack would have to go through the same training program, just like everyone else, and he hasn't even filled out the application to do so. Why the hold up? It seems pretty obvious that when it comes to the thing that makes him feel alive someone is scared. Not scared to fail-- hell, he knows he can move that product. But scared the reality won't live up to the dream. Scared that years from now, selling shoes will just be a slog like everything else. So he takes these bull shit little advisory jobs so he can say he "just doesn't have the time" when the topic comes up, knowing full well that he goes to sleep at night and wakes up in the morning thinking about women's shoes and that nothing, and we mean nothing, will ever compare to feeling he'll get running back and forth to the stock room juggling six different styles in 3 different sizes, working his ass off to make that sale. The sooner he realizes that, the better. He obviously told the MS people about his little-known passion/plan for reason: to make himself accountable. If you see Mack today or next week or the week after, [tell him to go for it.] John Mack To Join KKR As Senior Adviser [Deal Journal]