Lloyd Blankfein: Goldman Sachs Was Never At Risk To Fail Except For When It Was, Which Would Explain The Screaming And Crying Coming From My Office

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The Journal ran an interview with Holman Jenkins and Lloyd Blankfein over the weekend on a variety of topics including whether or not the bank will pay out huge bonuses this year despite populist bitching (yes), if Goldman got any special treatment during the crisis (no) and whether or not GS was at risk to fail. According to Blankfein, on the one hand, yes. HELL FUCK YES. Goldman was in the same posish as everyone else and everyone else was going down and going down hard. Save for the night he accidentally walked into then-Goldman chief Hank Paulson's office and saw things he'll never be able to un-see, involving thrusting and the mask from Scream, it was the absolute scariest time in LB's life. You have no idea. Why do think he nearly started crying during a phone call with Tim Geithner? Because he thought it was all over.

Had the financial system collapsed, Mr. Blankfein unhesitatingly acknowledges, "We would have been in that snowball tumbling down the hill with everybody else. It would be ludicrous to say otherwise. As a member of the system, we were all at risk. I will tell you I was more scared than you, because I was closer to it and I knew more. If you had known as much I did, you would have been as scared as I was."

Sounds like some pretty harrowing shit, right? Yeah, if you were working for some dump like AIG it probably was! Luckily Blankfein was working for a bank where the biggest thing they have to worry about is setting off the metal detectors with their gold plated scrots. That thing I just said two seconds ago about GS being in the same position as everyone else? Just messing with you, for sport. Being the "overachievers" we are at Goldman Sachs sometimes we do that, after we're done making it rain.

But he also insists that Goldman was not especially at risk. On the contrary, it came through the crisis without suffering nearly the losses of its Wall Street confrères. "People say, 'Oh, you would have failed, blah, blah.' Well, I didn't think so. Our liquidity was huge. I knew what our liquidity and cash was. It felt OK, but let me tell you, there was getting to be 'run' elements to it."

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Your Lloyd Will Never Leave You!

Back in February, a disturbing report was published claiming that Lloyd Blankfein had plans to step down from his position as CEO of Goldman Sachs "as early as this summer." The idea of a world without Blankfein's sass, twinkle, street roots, and I-am-unable-to-hold-back-exactly-what-I-think-of-what-you're-saying-via-the-expression-on-my-face face was more than a little unpalatable and extremely tough to take. Luckily, we don't have to. Appearing on CNBC earlier today, Lloyd told Gary Kaminksy that 1) former employee Greg Smith never brought up any of his gripes in 360 reviews and 2) he's not going anywhere. “I have no plans to leave,” Mr. Blankfein said Wednesday, while insisting that his board has never suggested he step down...[as for] Mr. Cohn, a long-time deputy of Mr. Blankfein who is widely touted as his possible successor, Mr. Blankfein said the board has a list of possible CEOs in mind “including, but not limited to, Gary.” LB also noted that the major mistake made by Goldman running up to the financial crisis was working with les incompetents. “The biggest threat to Goldman—the existential threat—was the poor performance and bad risk management by some competitors with who we have business relationships," he said. Goldman CEO: I'm Not Leaving [Crain's] Goldman Sachs CEO: 'We haven't gotten everything right' [Video]