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Goldman Sachs Stiffs Kittens

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Goldman Sachs has gone on record to say that contrary to popular belief, the bank does not start each morning by clubbing baby seals in the basement of 85 Broad. Today the progress God's workers made ingratiating themselves to the animal community is flushed down the toilet, with the news that while marine mammals get a pass, kittens with no place to go? Let them die in the streets, even if they were discovered in GS-owned cathouse.
According to a report by The Villager, five kittens were born this past August in the firm's not yet completed new headquarters downtown. At the time Goldman said it would pay for the kitties' vet bills and encourage employees to adopt the furballs. Three months later, none of them have a home, and the cat doctor is still awaiting payment. Now. Truth be told, we personally can understand that not everyone likes cats, as they're fairly creepy. It's not like Goldman abandoned a bunch of puppies in which case we'd advise every GS'er to get out of town, ASAP. And, by all accounts, Lloyd's a parakeet guy. But the fact remains that those jerks used these things to come off all warm and fluffy to the public. What kind of sick fucks would do something like that? Goldman, apparently. They acted like they cared when in fact they don't give a rat's ass. This makes Goldman a liar. Capital "L", small "i", small "a", small "r", period. And now, we need to review everything else they've ever told us, and ask ourselves, what else have they been lying about? Maybe they doclub baby seals. Maybe, despite what they've said, egomaniacs actually are employed at 85B. MAYBE THEY REALLY DID NEED THE TARP MONEY.

Goldman Sachs Charged With Abandoning Kittens


Goldman Sachs Can Fix This

A week ago today, a man named Greg Smith resigned from Goldman Sachs. As a sort of exit interview, Smith explained his reasons for departing the firm in a New York Times Op-Ed entitled "Why I Am Leaving Goldman Sachs." The equity derivatives VP wrote that Goldman had "veered so far from the place I joined right out of college that I can no longer in good conscience say I identify with what it stands for." Smith went on to note that whereas the Goldman of today is "just about making money," the Goldman he knew as a young pup "revolved around teamwork, integrity, a spirit of humility, and always doing right by our clients." It was a culture that made him "love working for the firm" and its absence had stripped him of "pride and belief" he once held in the place. While claiming that Goldman Sachs has become virtually unrecognizable from the institution founded by Marcus (Goldman) and Samuel (Sachs), which put clients ahead of its own interests, is hardly a new argument, there was something about Smith's words that gave readers a moment's pause. He was so deeply distraught over the differences between the Goldman of 2012 and the Goldman of 2000 (when he was hired) that suggested...more. That he'd seen things. Things that had made an imprint on his soul. Things that he couldn't forget. Things that he held up in his heart for how Goldman should be and things that made it all the more difficult to ignore when it failed to live up to that ideal. Things like this:

Layoffs Watch '16: Goldman Sachs

The House of Lloyd is making cuts.

Bonus Watch '08: Goldman Sachs

Bonuses paid in '08 that were of the look-but-don't-touch variety were turned into real live ones that you can buy things with last year. Two billion dollars worth of live ones.