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RBS Has A New Revenue Generating Plan (And It Involves Schnapps, Karaoke, And Maybe Lap Dances)

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A couple weeks ago RBS announced that it would be accepting a few more billion in bailout funds from the UK government. Some employees wondered why this was necessary and today we have an answer. The Telegraphreports that the bank needs the money for booze, a karaoke machine, and dancing girls. Why? First, if you need a reason for drunk karaoke, you need to reevaluate your life and second, in all seriousness, it's because they need to get wasted on the job. The earlier the better.

Senior executives have applied for a licence for alcohol to be served from 7am and to hold karaoke events on all eight storeys of their central London offices over Christmas. The bank's licence application submitted last week asks permission to provide liquor until midnight "for staff and/or guests at meetings, conferences, dinners and functions" at its £182 million City of London offices. It adds: "If there is a champagne breakfast meeting scheduled, the supply of alcohol may commence at 0700 hrs."

Of course, some people, who just don't get RBS like we do, feel the need to rag on the good time and brilliant profitability scheme.

Eddy Weatherill, of the Independent Banking Advisory Service, said: "Why do they need a licence to drink 365 days a year? That's more like a gentleman's club than a bank. "They must know everybody's waiting for them to get egg on their faces, yet they apply for a licence for champagne breakfasts and karaoke. "They never cease to amaze me and the public will be incensed. They will try to spin it but it's clear what's going on. It's all going to be paid for by the taxpayer in the end."

Which is fine, but Ed should know he's ensured he won't be invited to take part in the lap dances.

The form also states what type of entertainment RBS hopes to provide: "anything similar to live music, recorded music or performances of dance to include (but not limited to) karaoke, DJs and cabaret-style performances".

(They didn't specifically say dances on the lap but you know that's what "but not limited to" implies, just like the use ellipses later on in the form indicate "raw-dogging on the desk.")
Earlier: Bonus Watch '09 (And Beyond): RBS (To Be Paid Entirely In Debt?)


RBS Is Gonna Try Something New

For the last seven years, the bank has reported an annual loss. Unhappy with this outcome, the upper echelons of management apparently put their heads together and said, "What if every time we had an impulse to do one thing, we did the opposite?"