Skip to main content

Stress Test Success, Cult Of Bernanke Says

  • Author:
  • Updated:

The Church of Federal Reservology today proclaimed all but one of the country's biggest banks clear of all the engrams caused by the late economic crisis.
It took $77 billion--slightly more than the $74.6 billion the Church predicted--worth of auditing sessions, but nine of the 10 biggest banks waylaid in the subway by Church volunteers for complimentary stress tests, and can now begin working towards Operating Thetan status.
The nine are now ready to handle anything (beneath a 10.3% unemployment rate next year*) with a properly analytic mind.

GMAC Financial Services, unfortunately, continues to suffer from a reactive mind and will require more sessions. Happily, the Church is able to report that the auto lender is in talks with federal government with an eye towards having those sessions paid for the taxpayer, and is optimistic than an agreement will be reached and GMAC will successfully resolve its remaining engrams.
* The Church takes issue with proclamations that the unemployment rate has already crested 10%, believing it to be an example of the oppression it is suffering under around the world. Should such an unfortunate event cause new trauma to the nine, the Church stands ready to help them resolve any new engrams, and is pleased to accept TARP funds to cover the costs.
Fed: 9 of 10 large banks met capital goals [Reuters]


Fed Governor Is Sick Of Proctoring Stress Tests

He's pretty sure the vast majority of them are pointless.

By Ryan McGilchrist [CC BY-SA 2.0 ], via Wikimedia Commons

New For 2019: No-Stress Stress Tests

Even Deutsche Bank won’t have to cram for this one.