Warren Buffett Makes Pit-Stop At God's Workshop, Offers Pick Me Up

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As you're aware, Warren Buffett is in the city to talk to the youngsters at Columbia's b-school, and to check out Becky Quick's rack. He got in early yesterday though, and hand some time his hands. After spending the morning at the Museum of Sex, we're told the Oracle paid a visit to 85 Broad, where he walked the trading floor with Lloyd Blankfein, and gave a brief speech to the team "over the hoot." Obviously Warren B's been pretty pleased with how his injection in the bank has panned out thus far, but he couldn't help but noticing that his little fluffers seemed a bit down in the dumps, and figured they could benefit from some good folksy business wisdom married with abberant sex fetish. We're waiting on a transcript of the remarks, which we'll bring to you shortly, but in the meantime we're told the speech went something like this:

Good afternoon, labias and gents. Oracle of O here (oh yeah, double entendre), coming at ya live from Lloyd Blankfein's pussy palace on the 31st floor. "Long Lloyd" over here tells me that your once long, strong and down to get the friction on Johnsons have been flying at half-mast ever since Sunday. Relax your sphincters, girls, cause Uncle Warren is here to put your mind at ease.

Now, I know having a bunch of strangers criticize your livelihood is difficult-- actually, I've never faced anything like this myself. But, I imagine it's a bit like getting your sack caught in the hog oiler-- that has happened to me, several times in fact, owing to both my boyhood farming days and my late stage development into an ag-equipment fetishist. But rest assured the criticism is borne out of envy over the great American success that Goldman has been and will continue to be. So while this time may feel like you're "torturing your little prisoner" with your hand wrapped in sandpaper, it still feels good when you get to the end. Soon enough, this place will be happier than a Russ Meyers set when the pasties come off. And believe you me, I'll be there celebrating with one hand free.

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"Warren Buffett’s bodyguard punched me in the head, and it hurt"

Thinking about getting pawsy with Warren Buffett? Here's a delightful first-person account of what might be in store for you. The bodyguard, Dan Clark, didn’t mean for it to hurt, he was just demonstrating a fighting move called the brachial stun. That’s a strike to the side of the neck using a chopping motion with the hands — but when Clark hit me with it in a slow speed demonstration, the sudden burst of force whipped my whole head to the right, crashing my teeth together so hard that I thought I would lose a filling. That’s what Dan Clark is like — even his demonstrations are intense. He’s the kind of guy who throws around phrases like the “muay Thai clench with a double knee strike,” and who, when he emails you to invite you to his training session, reminds you politely to bring a cup. All of it — the gym, the training, and especially the punch — combine to send a clear message: Don’t mess with Buffett, or any of Clark’s other clients. And that’s kind of the point. Billionaire Security: Behind the Scenes with Warren Buffett’s Bodyguard [CNBC]