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Opening Bell: 12.28.09

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Ponzi schemer Bernie Madoff had dizziness, high blood pressure, not assault injuries (NYDN)
Prison officials claim the report that Bernie Madoff had the shit beat out of him last week is false, and that he was hospitalized simply for dizziness. His lawyer/barnyard specialist Ira Sorkin agrees: "The Bureau of Prisons said that report was not accurate," Sorkin said. "Indeed, Mr. Madoff was treated for dizzy spells and high blood pressure. That's all I'm going to say." Two things to consider here: 1) they're lying and 2) WHY? What are they trying to cover up?
UBS Case Whistleblower Seeks Prison Postponement (Reuters)
Bradley Birkenfeld the former UBS broker helped out the IRS by letting it know which of his colleagues were in fact helping their clients not pay taxes, would like to pump the brakes on his prison sentence. He's supposed to report to the big house January 8 for 40 months, but apparently has more people to rat out and would like to see if we can come to some sort of an agreement if you know what I mean and I think you do. Also, he's still waiting on the money he's owed for a job well done.

Feds probe banker Allen Stanford's ties to Congress
(Miami Herald)
Representative Pete Sessions sent this email to the artist formerly known as Sir Stan the day he was charged with possibly running a Ponzi scheme: "I love you and believe in you...If you want my ear/voice, email. --Pete.'' When Raj went down, Chuck Schumer shot him a text, "I don't care what they say, I love my bitch. Don't let them break you. --C." Both are an NBD situation.
Bill Gates Takes Noel's Place In Mustique (NYP)
This is almost too painful to type but we always promised to never keep things from each other, no matter how hard or painful: Walter Noel and the fam did not spend Christmas in Yemanja, for the second year in a row. And they might sell the place, for the cash.
New Hedge Funds Gain Momentum (WSJ)
The guy who started The Children's Investment Fund will be charging 1.5 & 15, with a five year lockup.

Bloody Fight On The 6 Train
(Gothamist via)
There's a video. There's a video.
In the FT's parallel universe, Goldman Sachs boss is the hero of 2009 (The Guardian)
One UK newspaper is pretty sure the other must be clinically insane, otherwise there's no other logical explanation for the crowning of Lloyd Blankfein as Man of The Year.
Madoff Son Of A Gun (NYP)
Andy Madoff applied for a gun permit 6 months ago. The NYPD claims, despite evidence to the contrary, that he never got one, because this rumble in the Bronxoutside a Chinese restaurant on the Upper East Side would've disqualified him. Also, take a moment with this:

Does Golden Pay for the CEOs Sink Stocks? (WSJ)
"Each dollar that goes into the CEO's pocket takes $100 out of shareholders' pockets."

Letterman 'extorter' pushing for plea deal
Supposedly Robert Halderman would rather go to jail for one year instead of 15 for his poorly thought out out plan to take David Letterman for a ride, though his attorney claims there's no such deal in the works, and that they're going for a full dismissal of the charges. Dream big in 2010.
After Bailouts, Washington's The Boss (WSJ)
And look who decided to show up:

Programming Note: We're on an abbreviated vacation-esque schedule 'til Monday (opening/closing wraps and very limited updates whenever the urge to reach out and touch you moves us). We still want to hear from you, though, so if anyone gets nailed for insider trading or Amanda breaks the 4th wall and acknowledges the CNBC wardrobe team keeps Dealbreaker readers in mind went determining how much of the Druries should be put on display, do not hesitate to let us know.