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Opening/Closing/Holiday Bell: 12.31.09

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VIP's a 'kinky brute' (NYP)
Aspatuck Holdings CEO Jason Meyer is being sued by his new(ly estranged) wife for, among other things, calling her a bitch and "ejaculating on her face after she refused to refer to herself as his 'slave' and tell him he was 'the most powerful man on earth' while they were having sex." She also had a problem with a photo in which "his ex-wife was wearing a very short black leather dress and holding a whip, and Jason had a mask with metal chains around his body."
Indictment Is Waived in Galleon Case (Reuters)
Former McKinsey exec Anil Kumar may have struck a deal.

(Anonymous) Hedge Fund Manager On Year-End Closings
n+1: So you spent the last part of the year closing down the books--is that what it's called?
HFM: Closing the books for the year, which really mainly relates to getting prices for all of the securities, instruments, derivatives in our book so that our year-end financials are totally accurate. It's actually the worst: a lot of banks don't close their books for the year on the calendar year, they have a fiscal year, but our fiscal year is the calendar year, and there literally is no day of the year that is worse for the process of getting marks for your whole portfolio than December 31, because everyone is gone. You're looking for a price on an illiquid security and you call up the bank you dealt with, and the salesperson you deal with is not there, his backup's not there, his backup's backup is not there, the trader's backup is not there, you're literally getting the most junior person on the desk trying to get someone on his cell phone on the ski slope in Vermont--it's just about the dumbest time to choose to do it. Every year, two weeks in advance, I send a list to all my counterparties, saying, "Here's the list of things I need pricing for, really, make sure you have somebody available to price these. And 'skiing' is not an excuse; 'I'm with my family on safari, climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro'--not an excuse." And every year the excuses are, "I'm skiing," or the guy's on safari, whatever--it's incredible. So my New Year's is always wrecked. I'm waiting around for the last guy to give me the last price.
AT&T Ends Tiger Woods Sponsorship (WSJ)
Narrow-minded thinkers who blew the opportunity to incorporate this into their next campaign. But whatever, you know? No sweat of W's sack. Piece of shit carrier and its dropped calls was responsible for way too many a night spent sans cocktail waitress.
Woman found stabbed in backcountry Greenwich (Greenwich Time)
100 Sterling Road.
Big Meeting Today, Clothing Optional (CNBC)
Uh, Vikram does this all the time. NBD: "About one in five UK participants in conference calls have called in while naked. Almost half have worn only their underwear while 68 percent have only worn pajamas, a survey by BT Conferencing showed Wednesday. The most popular place to call into a conference is in bed, while "the smallest room in the house, our toilet or somebody else's, seems to be the second most popular location," BT said in a statement."
Should Your Fake Tan Be Taxed? (The Big Money)
Moz? Care to weigh in?
Things To Look Forward To In Early 2010 (People)
Gary Busey's gonna be a dad!
What's New, Pussycat? Using the Toilet (WSJ)
Okay, sure: "Mr. Tibbs hops onto the toilet, takes a cautious lap around the seat, pokes his head inside the bowl and checks it out. Then he jumps down and belts out a heart-wrenching meow before jumping back up again. He will proceed with this choreography at least a dozen times as I coax and correct, if necessary. Then he does his business, and I lavish him with treats and praise. Yes, I am toilet-training my cat."

That's it for us today. We hope you all have at least marginally Happy New Year! Yes, even you. Back full-time on Monday. If you play your cards right.