Skip to main content

What's Wrong With Bernie Madoff?

  • Author:
  • Updated:

Berns "F*ck My Victims" Madoff has been moved to a medical facility at the Butner prison he's been shacking up in since his sentencing. Apparently the Ponz Master has been there for a while, but this is the first anyone's hearing of the transfer. It's also unclear as why The Don was relocated, and what ailment he's suffering from. Surely though, with our collective resources, intimate knowledge of the Master, and time on our hands, we can figure it out. A few ideas include:
* An erection lasting more 4 hours
* Non life-threatening cancer
* Faked sick to get moved closer to a nurse he's had his eye on
* Substance abuse problem
UPDATE: Dizziness and high blood pressure. Or so they say.