As you may have been aware, especially if you're a Kensington and Wellington survivor, 2008 was a tough one for Ken Griffin. The losing of 55% was pretty brutal, as was the 20 pounds of weight gained through stress eating. Things obviously perked up in 2009, including but not limited to Citadel's returns, and KG's ass. But standing in front of the mirror, stark naked and dripping wet, admiring himself from the back and suggesting that the reporter from Men's Health describe what he saw as "two scoops of butter pecan ice cream" while minions dried him off with hundred dollar bills only brought K to the G so much pleasure. He wanted to do something really nice for himself, which is why he bought a house in Hawaii right next to Cher, bringing him one step closer to Karaoke Tuesday with one of his favorite icons. He was so excited about the whole thing, and he even had matching jumpsuits made. He deserved that kind of happiness and everyone loved seeing the anticipatory joy it brought to his eyes.
Unfortunately, you know what happened next. The bitch up and moved, citing something about KG not being gay enough to be a fan of her work. It was a deep and devastating blow. It really seemed like he was going to lose it then. His favorite milkshake stand was put on high alert and told to bring in extra ice cream, and investors braced themselves for painful, ass-rippingly bad sequel to '08. But then! A little birdie got in touch with the Griffins, wondering if they'd like to lay down $40 million in cash for a pad in NYC, despite having never purchased a place on the island before, the selling point being is proximity to the home of KG's all-time, hands down, drops everything when her show is in town, hyperventilate and reduced to clutching his knees and crying while rocking back and forth in her presence favorite performer. Sandra Bernhard. And that's how the Griffins ended up buying their place at 820 Fifth Ave., which comes with 6 bedrooms and ample room for anyone interested in staying over after doing duets from A Chorus Line around the piano all night. Those telling you different are lying.