Lloyd's Nuclear Balls Dismantle Lawsuit

Author:
Yaël Bizouati
Updated:
Jan 14, 2019
Original:
Feb 19, 2010

The lawsuit that Goldman Sachs filed earlier this week against seven of its former employees that defected to Credit Suisse? Boom. Evaporated. Dismantled probably by LB's pair of "giant, nuclear-powered testicles."

Today, Goldman filed a notice of dismissal and we're a bit confused as to the sudden change of heart. Were the GS people inspired by Tiger's mea culpa and got overwhelmed by a warm, fuzzy, love feeling and decided to make the world a better place? Did LvP advised to go against it 'cause he couldn't come up with any snappy repartee about it? Should we just ask Matt Taibbi? A Goldman spokesperson gave us only one clue (though repeated three times) "The matter has been resolved."
The lawsuit, filed Wednesday in Georgia, alleged that Credit Suisse offered the group of investment managers "tens of millions of dollars" to leave Goldman Sachs in an act of "pirating." But apparently we're all good now.

Crystal ball image courtesy George Hodan

Divining the future pays off big for Goldman.

Time was, Jamie Dimon was the most popular CEO on Wall Street and America's "Least Hated Banker," for reasons that included the fact that the man has soulful blue eyes, charisma out the ass, and was in charge of one of the banks that a) didn't go out of business during the financial crisis, like Lehman and Bear and b) supposedly didn't actually need the bailout money the government made it take (as JD has said previously), like Bank of America and Citigroup. The man, in the hearts of many and especially the adoring press, could do no wrong. Which is why it probably stung a lot that Lloyd Blankfein, a Wall Street CEO who also possesses more charm than a person would know what do do with, who was also in charge of a bank that neither went out of business during the financial crisis nor required the bailout money it was forced to take (according to GS), and who is also the owner of a pair of baby blues, though in his case ones that sparkle, could only do wrong. And while LB is not one to gloat at another's misfortune, especially that of a friend, he's obviously feeling pretty good about being living proof of the old saying, "only one Wall Street CEO's balls can be in a vise at a time," and right now it's JD's turn. Dimon did not attend the annual Robin Hood Foundation party [last night], but Blankfein was there, enjoying a rare night out of the spotlight. He shook hands, introduced his wife and, grinning broadly, posed for pictures. For months, Goldman Sachs has been portrayed as the callous Wall Street behemoth whose executives collected giant bonuses while America's housing crisis worsened and unemployment rose. But Monday night was different. "No one cares about Lloyd tonight. It is Jamie against the world, and that's got to feel good for Lloyd," another hedge fund manager said. And this is just the beginning. First, they stop calling you Satan and claiming you poisoned their food, next glowing profiles and cover stories devoting major column inches to your rippling biceps and the throngs of women you beat off with a stick. Dimon Pushes Blankfein Off Hot Seat At Charity Gala [Reuters] Robin Hood Scene: Blankfein, Soros, Rihanna [Bloomberg/Photo]

Playing kickball in adulthood is a little embarrassing. Getting injured while doing so is mortifying. Suing over that injury is a new frontier in human behavior.

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