Lucas Van Praag's Secret Weapon

Author:
Publish date:
Updated on

Given that he's a celebrity spokesman, most of you should be aware of Lucas Van Praag's pedigree by now. The mouth of Goldman Sachs was born and raised in England, graduated from the University of Durham, and prior to entering the world of PR, learned a most important life skill as a Navy officer: how to kill a man. But now that his guns have been taken away, how does manage to issue such blistering, withering statements, day after day, hour after hour, that make his opponents want to curl up and die and translated from their original old English mean approximately "I can't believe I'm forced to exist in the same airspace as you" and "kiss my ass and suck my dick, everyone"? Obviously devastating superciliousness is innate skill but it turns out LvP does have a source of power we've been unaware of up until this point. Any ideas? If you guessed cock ring, I can understand where you're coming from. Most Masters of the Universe have a c-ring on at any given time during business hours. But no, because Lucas's is a bit more genteel than that, and also, he doesn't have time to be zipping and unzipping all day when reporters come a' calling to kiss it before proceeding with questions.

His father, Louis...wore a monocle. Goldman's spokesperson does not, though he is known for a pinky ring.

Related

Cigars 'n' Such: The Secrets To Charlie Gasparino's Success

Some people are such founts of generosity that on their birthday, they think not of themselves and what they will receive, but rather of how they can brighten the days of others. Charles Gasparino is one such selfless, gallant human being. On this special day, January 28th, the 50th anniversary of his entrance into the world, Mr. Gasparino has chosen to present us with a priceless gift: the secrets of his success. Print them out, mark them up, use them to advance your own cause, or simply give thanks to the god of journalism for his magnanimous spirit.