Jamie Dimon's Dream Of So You Think You Can Dance Domination Inching Closer To Reality

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In our last edition of "Things you thought you knew re: James Dimon but were in fact dead wrong about," we told you that contrary to the belief of certain prosecutors, Dimon does not in fact have time to make bi-weekly runs to Atlanta, to dump used tires, illegally. Today it's a matter of taste. Specifically that of TV. Most of you wrote in to say you took JD for a Jersey Shore kinda guy. Well you were wrong, fucksticks! If you know anything about the JPMorgan CEO, it's that he loves a good fight and if he can throw down with his dancing feet as opposed to fisticuffs? ALL THE BETTER.

One Equity Partners, J.P. Morgan Chase & Co.'s private-equity arm, is nearing a deal to buy out CKX Inc., the owner of the blockbuster television enterprise "American Idol" and "So You Think You Can Dance," for roughly $6 a share, according to people familiar with the matter. Robert F.X. Sillerman, chief executive of CKX, would retain his roughly 20.6% stake as part of the proposed deal.

Lest there be any confusion, Dimon thinks AI is shit, but sometimes you have to suck it up in order to get what you want. Having said that, if Ryan Seacrest thinks he's pull his prima donna crap with JD, he's got another thing coming.

One issue for the company is that it is costly to keep the talent happy. The company, for example, recently paid Ryan Seacrest to $15 million to retain him for future projects and for the rights to market his name and image, according to analysts.

He'll take what Dimon pays him and he'll like it or guess what? It'll be live from the red carpet with the CEO of JPMorgan Chase.


What's American Idol Really Worth?
[WSJ]

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His Trophy Case Full, Jamie Dimon Leaves Competitive Dancing To The Rest Of The Family

[caption id="attachment_73269" align="alignright" width="260" caption="People who *can* dance"][/caption] There are a lot of things Jamie Dimon is very, very good at: building a fortress balance sheet, chatting up reporters in elevators, doing sake bombs, and being appreciably better looking than his peers, to name just a few. In other areas, the JPMorgan CEO has left room for improvement. For example, his dancing skills, about which Dimon's own wife and mother are unsparing in their directness at this point. JPMorgan Chief Executive Officer Jamie Dimon “is a terrible dancer,” his wife, Judy Dimon, said last night at a gala for Ballet Hispanico, of which JPMorgan was the lead sponsor. She then moved her shoulders straight up and down to demonstrate what the 56 year-old leader of the biggest US bank, with $2.27 trillion of assets at year-end, does on the dance floor. Jame Dimon's mom, Themis Dimon, was no more encouraging. Is he a good dancer? "No," she said, shaking her head. Jamie Dimon wasn't present to prove otherwise. “Unfortunately he couldn’t be here tonight because he had another commitment,” said his wife, a Ballet Hispanico board member and the event’s honorary chairman. Too bad. Jamie Dimon missed a good party. His wife, in a slim-fitting coral gown, danced a salsa with New York Giants wide receiver Victor Cruz, reminiscent of his moves in the end zone after scoring a touchdown. Speaking of people who can hold their own on the dance floor? “We like to dance,” Jamie Dimon's father Theodore Dimon, there with his wife and Jamie's twin brother, told Bloomberg. “We dance the fox trot -- it’s nice and easy.” Scene Last Night: Victor Cruz, Dimon for Ballet Hispanico [Bloomberg]

So This Is Jim Cramer Talking About Jamie Dimon's Capitol Hill Appearance

"He didn't win. He's a loser. How? You lose when you go in front of Congress and you lose when you go out. Anyone that declares him a winner is wrong...He walked in a loser. Testified. Walked out a loser. And by the way, he agrees with me. He knows he's a loser with no control and doesn't even know what happened in his own bank...A loser. Crisis PR is psychiatry. You go in there as a guy who is stupid, you don't come out being smarter. You don't. You come out just as stupid...He's a loser...This is not Michael Corleone with Frank Pentangeli in the back of the room. This is not Nevada gaming licenses...He's a loser. It's okay, man. He's a loser. Maybe next year he'll be a winner but he is a loser. Okay."

Confidential To One Small Arachnid: Jamie Dimon Is Coming For You

The past couple of weeks, some might argue, have been the worst of Jamie Dimon's professional career. Although being fired by Sandy Weill in 1998 was obviously a distressing time in Dimon's life, a JPMorgan trader's multi-billion dollar (and counting) loss appears to be even more painful for the CEO, who now has a reputation (and a title: "America's Least Hated Banker") to defend. While it's unlikely that the blunder will cost him his job, every article written questioning Dimon's judgment, suggesting that he is in fact fallible, and wondering aloud if he is simply a pretty face (that is about to get the regulation it has vociferously argued against rammed down its throat) clearly hurts. So far, Dimon has chosen to frame the situation, at least publicly, as a group fuck-up, one for which the responsibility is shared among himself, The Whale, The Whale's bosses, and The Whale's bosses' bosses. Over the weekend, though, a heretofore unmentioned character, whose actions set in motion the events that served to tarnish JD's halo, was added to story. And now, Dimon has a place to channel his anger: on a bloodsucking vermin whose days are numbered. Ever since JPMorgan Chase disclosed a multibillion-dollar trading loss this month, the central mystery has been how a bank known for its skill at risk management could err so badly. As early as 2010, the senior banker who has been blamed for the debacle, Ina Drew, began to lose her grip on the bank’s chief investment office, according to current and former traders. She had guided the bank through some of the most rugged moments of the 2008 financial crisis, earning the trust of Jamie Dimon, JPMorgan’s chief executive, in the process. But after contracting Lyme disease in 2010, she was frequently out of the office for a critical period, when her unit was making riskier bets, and her absences allowed long-simmering internal divisions and clashing egos to come to the fore, the traders said. The morning conference calls Ms. Drew had presided over devolved into shouting matches between her deputies in New York and London, the traders said. That discord in 2010 and 2011 contributed to the chief investment office’s losing trades in 2012, the current and former bankers said. “When Ina was there, things ran smoothly,” one former trader there said. But Ms. Drew’s firm hand began to weaken after she contracted Lyme disease. Her absences opened the door for tensions among her deputies to flare into the open...Most significant, her deputy in New York was increasingly at loggerheads with her deputy in London who spearheaded the strategy behind the losing bet, Achilles Macris, the current and former traders said. But there was only so much she could do when she was away. So, first off, the tick that bit Drew is a dead man (though probably a woman, as "the female adult is usually the one causing the most bites as males usually die after mating"). If people thought Dimon was mad after being informed of the losses, just wait. He's going to find that bitch tick and shoot her with a cannon. Next, it's time to put some safeguards in place to protect his bank from anymore "surprises." Effective immediately, JPMorgan employees are banned from venturing into the forest, for any reason whatsoever. Same goes for grasslands, marshes, and anywhere tall grass grows. Anyone planning on prancing through the meadows in slow motion to meet up with and embrace a loved one in some kind of romantic gesture can forget it. The JMPorgan Outdoor Club is officially disband. Contact with children who are cub scouts is forbidden. Any girl scouts who attempt to set foot on the premises in order to sell cookies will be shot on sight. (These people are breeding grounds for ticks, what with their expeditions into the woods for merit badges and whatnot. He's going first derivative here, while at the same time trying to not enact mandates that make him look ridiculous.) Discord at Key JPMorgan Unit Is Faulted in Loss [NYT]