There's nothing going on today but even if that weren't the case, I'd still be asking you to gather 'round so we can have some Real Talk about Tiger's supposedly scandalous texts to one of his 845 pieces on the side. Joslyn James (pictured) has released a bunch of messages Woods sent to her last year. A lot of people have their panties in a serious bunch over the supposed shock value found within. Here's a sampling:
* "Where do you want to be bitten"
* "How about a quickie before i go:)"
* "Do you ever hook up with other guys or girls"
* "Let me know when your about 20 out i will order dinner. And what would you like to eat"
* "I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you"
* "I like when you do that to me"
* "No turkey unless it's a club sandwich"
* "I know you have tried every positing imaginable but what turns you on besides a dp"
* "Ok. I would like to have a threesome with you and another girl you trust"
* "Have you ever had a golden shower done to you" [her response/question] "Just morbid curiosity" [her response/question] "Never done it. I think i would get stage freight"
* "Does that excite you at all or no"
So, obviously "sic" throughout but not really "sick." Emoticons? INTERROGATIVE STATEMENTS? EQUIVOCATING? 1) Lame 2) 14 years-old and scared to just say it 3) Guy who does the recordings for MoviePhone ("If that excites you at all, press one; if no, press two"). Notable hedge fund managers have sent much worse to their underlings (you would've gotten big points in you know who's book for the golden shower text if you hadn't a) posed it as a mere inquiry like you were literally just curious and b) proceeded to say the whole idea of it makes you nervous, which sickens him).
Some of the messages are good but by good I mean standard and nothing to slap an XXX-rating on, much less act as though you haven't sent or received yourself. I don't think I'm off-base here and I'd like someone to back me up or prove me wrong. Feel free to offer comparative analysis (ex. these have nothing on Lenny Dykstra's promises to choke women out with Twizzlers; you woke up to an SMS from your boss-- no names necessary-- telling you he was going to use your ass as the cap for his whiteboard marker, etc).
**Having said all that, "No turkey unless it's a club sandwich" is spectacularly depraved and I hope you all incorporate it tonight.