Live-Blogging The Goldman Flogging: There’s Gonna Be A Showdown

Author:
Updated:
Original:

* 9:45: Fifteen minutes to go. Disappointingly, His Fantabulousness and Lloyd Blankfein are on separate panels, meaning no opportunity for potential backhands to the face. No matter. There's gonna be a showdown. So while we wait:

[I have it on good authority that Lloyd and Lucas have rehearsed the above moves and will be performing them at intermission.]

* 9:57: The "Pink Ladies" have traded in their standard uniforms for prison garb. Good one, ladies.

* 10:03: Carl Levin (NO RELATION) is telling us why we're here. Goldman Sachs took advantage of its clients, yada, yada, yada.

* 10:04: That's right, cameraman, focus on The Fab (who's grown his hair a little longer and is looking kind of hot).

* 10:09: Carl: "Goldman Sachs treats clients like objects (of profit)." Jackie Treehorn, a former prop trader, was the first to pioneer this model at the firm.

* 10:16: Goldman made money off its shorts. Dun Dun Dun.

* 10:26: Apparently Goldman didn't just hurt its clients, it hurt everyone in the world. Take a moment right now to show us on the doll where Goldman touched you.

* 10:28: Going to interrupt Carl for a moment to announce that Melissa Francis gave birth last night to her second son (with husband Wray). The kid's name is Greyson Alexander Thorn. May he grow up to be a Goldman banker.

* 10:32: Senator Susan Collins: I'm very discreet...but I will haunt your dreams.

* 10:38: According to Suzy, we're not here to celebrate the fact that Goldman Sachs made some money during the crisis. Which means I've made a terrible mistake. Reader poll: cancel the stripper cake, even though she's already inside? Or just say fuck it? Why should this lady get to say what's what?

* 10:40: Senator Claire McCaskill is just going to throw words out there, arrange them in any way you like: bets, odds, bookies, tranches, waterfalls, golden showers, clown-facing, pit bosses, Las Vegas, street gamblers, KGB.

* 10:44: SENATOR MARK PRYOR: "I MAY NOT UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING ABOUT EVERYTHING ON WALL STREET."

* 10:47: Daniel Sparks, former mortgages department head and PMD: He only meant to stay at Goldman for two years. But he couldn't let it go. There was something about Goldman he couldn't shake. Something...special.

* 10:51: Josh Birnbaum, Former Managing Director, Structured Products Group Trading: Wharton grad. That is all.

* 10:56: Michael "Swenny" Swenson, Managing Director, Structured Products Group Trading: [guy behind left shoulder is just gonna play dead until the Model 5000 GS employee is finished]

* 11:02: Fabrice "Fab" Tourre: FINALLY. The only reason we're here today. Reading of this statement. Unlike the Toyota hearings, no translator necessary. Won't get good until he's performing off the cuff but so far, I sense a 'tude, and I like it. If he wants to make us really happy he'll whip out a cigarette when he's done and light up.

* 11:12: Before Carl finishes this little speech, is someone going to tell him that Sparks hasn't found the email in the 938,918 page binder he was supposed to be looking for yet?

* 11:13: WHOEVER CAME UP WITH THIS PLAN FOR SPARKS TO JUST NEVER FIND THE RIGHT PAGE IS A GENIUS. LOOKIN' AT YOU LUCAS.

* 11:16: Sparks: Senator Levin, I literally have no idea what you're talking about. No joke, no offense, I straight up have no idea what you're saying.

* 11:17: Senator Levin: IF I POINT AND SAY THE PHRASE 'HOW DO YOU GUYS GET COMFORTABLE WITH' OVER AND OVER AGAIN MAYBE AT SOME POINT IT WILL MAKE SENSE [aid whispering in Levin's ear: "Sir, things are unraveling, it's getting away from us." Levin: "Shut it bitch."] HOW DO YOU GUYS GET COMFORTABLE [FINGER POINTS] GET COMFORTABLE [FINGER POINTS] GUYS [FINGER POINTS] COMFORTABLE?!?

* 11:24: This is how it's going to be. Every five to six minutes, Carl's going to pick a new phrase to shout over and over, in the form of a question that people will have no idea how to answer. First phrase was "how do you guys get comfortable with," next up, "crap pools." Crap pools. Crap pools. Crap pools.

Sparks: I don't...

CL: Crap pools.

Sparks: Sir?

CL: Crap pools.

Sparks: Um...

CL: Crap pools.

Sparks : All I'm saying...

CL: Crap pools?

Sparks: Mr. Chairman I'm just...

CL: Crap pools?

Sparks: Sir?

CL: Crap pools!

Sparks: We...

CL: Crap pools!

Sparks: I'm sorry?

CL: Crap pools! Knock, knock.

Sparks: Who's there?

CL: CRAP POOLS!

Sparks: Look...

CL: Crap pools! Let me tell you a little story about a man named Crap pools! Crap pools! Even before you start. That was a preemptive Crap pools. Just know I have a whole bag of 'Crap pools' with your name on it.

11:30: Phrase # 3: "Shitty deals"

11:33: Carl: Who's Tom Montag? Who's Dan Sparks? Who's Lloyd Blankfein? Who's Carl Levin? WHERE AM I?

11:37: Senator Collins would like to go down the line and ask everyone if they felt they had a duty act in the best interest of their clients. Sending a silent plea to Fab to, after everyone else says yes, jumps up on the desk and say, "Our duty to our clie-ents vas simply zees [dramatic dick slap to random audience member's face.]

11:43: Collins: "Mr. Chairman, I think a tactic of this group is to burn through time by asking the question to be re-stated." You win this round, Susan.

11:47 Collins: Turn to page 104.

Birnbaum [turns to page 104, sees it has nothing to do wtih what she's talking about]: Sorry, 104?

Collins: Shut your mouth when you're talking to me! [confers with aid] Hmm, no. Not 104. 26. Bet you think you're so smart, don't you Goldie? Is this how you played your clients?

11:53: Levin: I'm hip to your games and your little tricks and we're going to stay here until you answer the questions whether they make one ounce of sense or not, got it? [NOTE: THIS IS ONLY PANEL ONE OF THREE!!! SAVE YOURSELVES!]

12:00: Senator Kaufman: What I'm getting here from this hearing is that no one did anything wrong.

[panel : nods gravely]

12:05: Kaufman: I'm not a fan of hindsight or Monday Morning Quarterbacking (O RLY?). I'm not here to embarrass you You're here to embarrass me and my colleagues. Just wanted to be clear on that. Got it, boss?

12:10 You guys this thing is sucking my will to live. There's only one way way to recharge. Do this with me:

12:21 Senator Coburn: I'm just getting here, so I'll make my opening remarks now, 3 hours into the thing. I was busy tending to more important issues. I was having a mole removed. Anyway, Swenson I have a question for yo, did you--

Swenson (as transcribed by PB): Senator, if you can’t bother to get here on time, just shut the fuck up already. I know what you're going to ask and it was covered in my prepared statement. I will not repeat myself in order to accommodate your tardiness.

12:23 Senator Coburn: Who was your leader? Who sent you here? Who is your leader?

Birnbaum: We did it as a team.

Coburn: Who is your leader? Who led?

Birnbaum: We did it as a team. Are you suggesting there can only be one leader?

Coburn: There can only be on leader. YOU ONLY HAVE ONE LLOYD BLANKFEIN (which, btw, is the title of my memoir).

Birnbaum: Swenny was my ultimate boss.

Swenson: Sparks was my boss.

Sparks: Zuul was my boss.

12:30: No longer interested in even pretending to give a shit about this charade, Swenny has turned to audible sighs. [Swenson, you asshole, this is kind of a turn on-- call me. Sparks, you can give me a ring as well.]

12:36: Coburn: Were you embarrassed by those emails...the ones to your girlfriend?

Fab: Yeah, a little bit.

Coburn: Were you deeply embarrassed by them? Do you think Lucas and Lloyd released them to distract everyone from the fact that they're currently structuring newfangled derivatives for Paulson&Co to short, such as Senator Levin's performance on Dancing With The Stars?

12:40: We get it, Claire McCaskill, you have a gambling problem, particularly as it relates to sports betting. If GS just gives you a little money to get by can everyone go home?

1:15: [Riffing between Senator Ensign and Senator who's name I missed based on joke Ensign took a week to come up with-- "I think the people of Vegas would be offended to be compared to Wall Street. At least they know the game is rigged."]

1:30: Ensign: I think one of the reasons you guys were able to get away with this whole scam is that you used fancy words that people who aren't market manipulators wouldn't understand. For instance, the word 'static.' Hows is someone who doesn't work at Goldman or have their CFA supposed to understand what that means? Can you even tell me what that means right now?

Sparks: Sure, sir, and I understand it's tricky. 'Static' is industry jargon for 'fixed.' Like when something doesn't move.

Ensign: Okay, now define 'canines.'

Sparks: Dogs. To the layman.

1:42: Senator Baucus: Do you think Goldman did anything wrong, Mr. Sparks?

Sparks: No, I would say I don't think Goldman did anything wrong--

Baucus: Interesting. So you're saying you don't think Goldman did anything wrong?

Sparks: No, I would say I don't think Goldman did anything wrong--

Baucus: Son, you're not speaking my language.

1:55: Senator Tester: You guys have done a great job. You didn't answer a single question but that's okay that's fine, that's not your fault. Maybe later we can go out for a pop without the lawyers and you can tell me what really happened.

2:05: [Levin, to no one in particular] "Shiftin' risk...CDO's...lemons....lemons..."

2:20: Senator Coburn: I'm not finding what I want in these emails...you know...incriminating shit...so how about this-- true or false, the firm has a policy which states that you're not allowed to raise any ethical issues in an email. You know, the sort of shit that had you put it in an email, would've really helped me out today. Let's just go down the line. Is that or is that not a firm policy.

Sparks: No.

Brinbaum: No.

Swenny: [Dramatic eye-roll] No.

Fab: No.

Coburn: Agree to disagree.

2:25: Senator Coburn: "We're not that stupid."

[...]

2:25: Senator Coburn: Does a 'PM' refer to 'prime mover'?

Fab: Uhhh...generally it refers to 'portfolio manager.'

Coburn: Phat magic?

Fab: Portfolio manager?

Coburn: Pimp money?

Fab: Portfolio manager?

Coburn: Potty mouth?

Fab: Portfolio manager?

Coburn: Pussy magnet?

Fab: Portfolio manager? But Pussy Magnet too, yes.

3:13 We're past the 5 hour mark. HOW IS THIS STILL HAPPENING? Is it even legal not to break for lunch? There are two more panels to go-- will Lloyd have to stay over night? HE DIDN'T BRING AN OVERNIGHT BAG!

AND BREAK.

3:30: I love you, Viniar but my fingers need a break. Resting them 'til LB.

Related