THE MOST IMPORTANT GOLDMAN STORY OF THE DAY (Involves Complaints About A Steamroom)

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Fuck the SEC and its baseless charges. Screw the Rajaratman-loving director. That all pales in comparison and gravity to this. As you know Goldman has new headquarters. And guess what? Some people aren't very happy. With the move comes a little good and a whole lotta bad. First, the good, sore consolation prizes in light shitty views and being forced to look at each other's dicks only if you choose to do so:

* a gym with classes like "Awesome Abs."

* a panorama that includes New York Harbor.

* Sugar and grease: "the Sky Lobby cafeteria that offers a deep panini lineup and deadly cupcakes"

And now, on with the bad. The so very bad:

* Managing directors almost always get windowless inside offices ("I used to have an office with a view," explained one managing director. "Now I need binoculars to see sunlight.")

* Vice presidents, many of whom had offices before the move, now sit at open-space workbenches that in an earlier era would have been called a typing pool. ("I haven't had a desk like this since high school," said one employee who asked not to be named.)

* The new steam rooms for men and women are drawing mixed reviews. Some employees find the idea of "steaming" with co-workers objectionable. Others, not so much. "Once you have seen your colleagues naked in the locker room, steaming with them isn't that weird," says one employee.

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Fox Business Senior Email Correspondent: Thousands Of Goldman Employees Saw Muppet Movie, Wanted To Talk About It The Next Day

Late last week, investigative reporter Charlie Gasparino came out with a bombshell story: after reading former employee Greg Smith's allegation that he'd seen and heard colleagues refer to clients as "muppets," the British term for stupid people, the firm launched an investigation into the claim (e.g. searched emails for said word). On Friday, Gasparino breathlessly reported that while  Goldman did find some muppet mentions, they referred to the Jason Segal film and were not malicious in their intent (quoth CG: "GS found no evidence of malicious muppet talk in emails).  While a lesser journalist would have been content to take the source at his or her word, Charles Gasparino is no such journalist. He get kept digging on this one and now, amazingly, has more to add: "People close to Goldman tell FOX Business 98% of the email muppet use referred to the movie. Sources at Goldman also say the malicious muppet use in emails involves name calling among colleagues; apparently at Goldman they call each other muppet. Sources say the firm find no evidence so far to substantiate Smith’s claims that people were talking about clients.” Gasparino on Muppet Movie Referrals in Goldman Emails [FBN]