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Analyst Attempting 8 DoubleDowns In 60 Minutes

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I've already left and am posting this on the go so if there are typos I don't want to hear it. I think we can all agree that any attempts to make up for last week's 3 Munchkins in 3 hours challenge are welcome. Some background: "IBD analyst going for 8 in an hour for a measly $350. Says he's doing it for pride. A very liquid market at 4-5. Total volume outweighs the payout by a huge margin."

15 minutes elapsed, 45 to go: Two DD's down, rounding on the third one. Colleague says: "Did I mention he's washing down with a Foster's oil can? A for effort." (Furthermore: "You might like to know that the only KFC in midtown that could handle this volume was at Grand Central. Two separate DoubleDown runs were required.")

25 minutes elapsed, 35 to go: 3 sandos down. "Kid is going strong! Big short squeeze at 4. I made a big market there and am going to probably need to hit the ATM."

30 down, 30 to go: "Brick wall at 3.5. The market for 4's is coming back. This kid's gonna boot any minute now."

35 down, 25 to go: "He's absolutely gagging, loudly, on 4. This is not happening. People aren't supposed to be this color. Looks like something out of a horror movie. He just said he can't even smell them anymore. Are you kidding me? It smells like a fucking fryolator in here."

FAIL AT 45 MINUTES ELAPSED: "And so it ends with a massive vomit at 4. In happier news, I was principal market maker at 4. I just destroyed on that trade. A perfect call. But seriously? That kid is in need of medical attention."


Analysts Attempt To Call The JPMorgan (Second Quarter) Close

Despite Jamie Dimon's promise that JPMorgan will be "solidly profitable" for the quarter, some are skeptical given the growing estimates of Whale-boy's losses. According Mike Mayo, the bank "will only make $727 million...including $4 billion of losses in the unit that made the bungled bet [though] if the losses exceed $5 billion, JPMorgan could make an overall loss." Barclays' Jason Goldberg thinks things are gonna be okay here, and sees the bank making $3.3 billion, assuming you know who will have only lost it $3 billion when all is said and done. And yourselves? Start considering your predictions now, as come July 13, there will be a visit from the Sandwich Fairy and a coveted bath toy for whoever comes closest without going over. Will The Whale Swallow JPMorgan's Second-Quarter Earnings [Dealbook]