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Confidential To Brian Moynihan, The White House Is Just Using You To Rankle Jamie Dimon

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Time was, Jamie Dimon was referred to as "Obama's favorite banker." And for a while, he really was! And why shouldn't he be? He's a lifelong Democrat, he basically put Obama in office, he attended the 3-day inauguration in support of his guy. He's extremely good-looking. He loves universal healthcare. He's got charm and charisma dripping out of every orifice, he was one of the CEOs who didn't fuck up and he's not Lloyd Blankfein. I won't even get started on the fact that he's the guy who'll make you laugh and he's handy around the house. (Just know that those attributes were not discounted by the president.) And for a while, things between O and D (and their respective kingdoms) was good. Really good. Obama seemed to understand that Dimon wasn't cut from the same cloth as "baldy," it looked like JPM wouldn't get punished for the sins of its peers and the President would openly acknowledge how great Jamie was, especially compared to the low-hanging fruit at Citi.

Somewhere along the line though, things started to splinter, to the extent that Obama and Dimon's "breakup" is now a topic of dicussion. And while the friends are always going to be biased, and blame the good for nothing ex g/bf who wronged their pal, in this case, it's true. First off, if the White House wanted to break it off with Jamie, they should have done so like a man. Instead, they just started treating him like shit, perhaps in the hopes he'd get fed up and leave. They started talking a lot of shit on bankers and when they did so, failed to add "obviously, none of this applies to JPMorgan." Dimon didn't get it and if you want to know the truth, it stung pretty bad. Out of nowhere, Obama didn't want to be associated with the banker formerly known as his "favorite." When crafting financial regulation, the administration failed to take into account that Dimon and his people were the good guys and shouldn't be held to ridiculous measures intended for fuck-ups! Of course, when the White House needed something from Jamie, they were more than happy to pop back into his life like for the night, which is so typical.

The nomination of Ben Bernanke for a second term as Federal Reserve chairman was suddenly losing altitude in the Senate. For a brief moment, it looked like it might crash, something the administration feared could damage the financial markets. Treasury officials asked Scher if senior JP Morgan executives could call a few senators to help put the nomination back on track, which they agreed to do without hesitation.

And guess what happened next? Obama et al realized how badly they treated Jamie and that breaking up with him was the biggest mistake of their lives? Wrong! What happened next was Dimon being snubbed on the State Dinner, which one financier told The New Republic was an unforgivable offense, especially considering who was asked to come. “Not being invited to the state dinner is not nice," he said. "They invited Bank of America.” Which brings us to our next point, namely that Brian Moynihan, the homely CEO who thought he was being tossed a bone, should know the sudden interest from Washington is not about him. It's about JD.

Team Obama has sometimes marveled at Dimon’s tone-deafness—“they don’t really understand how toxic they are,” one administration official complained to me—and distanced itself in ways subtle and not-so-subtle. It shut out the bank at key moments when crafting its financial overhaul and took a hard line when selling back the options on JP Morgan shares it acquired during the bailout. And then, there’s the state dinner snub. “It’s always easy to raise your profile in this environment,” says one politically astute financier. “It’s [not the same as] participating, making sure you’re in.” The executive continues: “Not being invited to the state dinner is not nice. They invited Bank of America.” In fact, one gets the sense that JP Morgan sees the White House elevation of Bank of America—a recent Bloomberg headline blared, “Moynihan Becomes Obama’s Top Wall Street Ally on Rules Overhaul”—as a thinly veiled reprimand.

Oh, I'm sorry Brian, you thought? That there was something there? That he was really interested? Oh, I'm sorry. But isn't it better to know the truth? If you need someone to talk to you, your old boss could offer a thing or two about the duplicity of the White House (and if he's really looking to unload and you've got the time, their hired goons at the Treasury and Federal Reserve).


Brian Moynihan Has Total Confidence In Jamie Dimon

He's got this. JPMorgan Chase Chief Executive Officer Jamie Dimon has the experience needed to manage the fallout from trading losses, and market disruptions haven’t been serious, Bank of America CEO Brian T. Moynihan said today. Trading didn’t freeze and markets behaved “reasonably well” given the circumstances after Dimon disclosed at least $2 billion in trading losses at JPMorgan’s chief investment office, Moynihan said today at a Manhattan investor conference. Dimon has shown he’s got the skills to handle the affair, said Moynihan, whose Charlotte, North Carolina-based bank ranks second by assets behind New York-based JPMorgan. [Bloomberg]

Confidential To One Small Arachnid: Jamie Dimon Is Coming For You

The past couple of weeks, some might argue, have been the worst of Jamie Dimon's professional career. Although being fired by Sandy Weill in 1998 was obviously a distressing time in Dimon's life, a JPMorgan trader's multi-billion dollar (and counting) loss appears to be even more painful for the CEO, who now has a reputation (and a title: "America's Least Hated Banker") to defend. While it's unlikely that the blunder will cost him his job, every article written questioning Dimon's judgment, suggesting that he is in fact fallible, and wondering aloud if he is simply a pretty face (that is about to get the regulation it has vociferously argued against rammed down its throat) clearly hurts. So far, Dimon has chosen to frame the situation, at least publicly, as a group fuck-up, one for which the responsibility is shared among himself, The Whale, The Whale's bosses, and The Whale's bosses' bosses. Over the weekend, though, a heretofore unmentioned character, whose actions set in motion the events that served to tarnish JD's halo, was added to story. And now, Dimon has a place to channel his anger: on a bloodsucking vermin whose days are numbered. Ever since JPMorgan Chase disclosed a multibillion-dollar trading loss this month, the central mystery has been how a bank known for its skill at risk management could err so badly. As early as 2010, the senior banker who has been blamed for the debacle, Ina Drew, began to lose her grip on the bank’s chief investment office, according to current and former traders. She had guided the bank through some of the most rugged moments of the 2008 financial crisis, earning the trust of Jamie Dimon, JPMorgan’s chief executive, in the process. But after contracting Lyme disease in 2010, she was frequently out of the office for a critical period, when her unit was making riskier bets, and her absences allowed long-simmering internal divisions and clashing egos to come to the fore, the traders said. The morning conference calls Ms. Drew had presided over devolved into shouting matches between her deputies in New York and London, the traders said. That discord in 2010 and 2011 contributed to the chief investment office’s losing trades in 2012, the current and former bankers said. “When Ina was there, things ran smoothly,” one former trader there said. But Ms. Drew’s firm hand began to weaken after she contracted Lyme disease. Her absences opened the door for tensions among her deputies to flare into the open...Most significant, her deputy in New York was increasingly at loggerheads with her deputy in London who spearheaded the strategy behind the losing bet, Achilles Macris, the current and former traders said. But there was only so much she could do when she was away. So, first off, the tick that bit Drew is a dead man (though probably a woman, as "the female adult is usually the one causing the most bites as males usually die after mating"). If people thought Dimon was mad after being informed of the losses, just wait. He's going to find that bitch tick and shoot her with a cannon. Next, it's time to put some safeguards in place to protect his bank from anymore "surprises." Effective immediately, JPMorgan employees are banned from venturing into the forest, for any reason whatsoever. Same goes for grasslands, marshes, and anywhere tall grass grows. Anyone planning on prancing through the meadows in slow motion to meet up with and embrace a loved one in some kind of romantic gesture can forget it. The JMPorgan Outdoor Club is officially disband. Contact with children who are cub scouts is forbidden. Any girl scouts who attempt to set foot on the premises in order to sell cookies will be shot on sight. (These people are breeding grounds for ticks, what with their expeditions into the woods for merit badges and whatnot. He's going first derivative here, while at the same time trying to not enact mandates that make him look ridiculous.) Discord at Key JPMorgan Unit Is Faulted in Loss [NYT]

Brian Moynihan Is Walking On Sunshine

The BofA chief is pretty much having the best day ever. Not to get ahead of ourselves, but his IT guys are THISCLOSE to registering before one of his fans can.