I'm not talking about the start of the World Cup, though this is as big if not bigger. Give up? You get one free pass for your ignorance but just one. You'd better whip open your Outlook and make sure to mark this a recurring event, 'cause this time next year there will be no reminders. It was on this day, 54 years ago, that a special someone came into the world. To his employees, it should come as no surprise, as his office has been celebrating his glorious "birth week" for the past five days (though this is the first one in which the staff will be forced to go through the motions of singing "Happy Birthday," and-- shhhh!-- a former member of the team will be jumping out of a cake as part of his new gig in the erotic baking business). For those of you just finding out about it now, and freaking out about what to buy last minute for the man who has everything, freak out no longer-- no gifts are necessary.
Because some people are such fonts of generosity that on their birthday, they think not of themselves and what they will receive, but rather how they can brighten the days of others. Birthday Boy is one of those people. On this special day, June 11, this selfless, gallant gentlemen, has gifted us all with an overflowing bounty of mirth.
As you may be aware, the common refrain among hedge fund starlings is "I want to be the next Steve Cohen." Unfortunately, up to this point, Steve has kept the secrets to his success close to his SAC-emblazoned fleece vest. But as one gets older (though remains "a youthful-looking 29")**, he begins to realize he want to leave a legacy. To that end, for the past year, our birthday boy has had a documentary film crew follow him around, obtaining footage of him on the job. The finished product will be released as a training video this fall, but today, as a present to all of you, a preview has been leaked. The first chapter focuses on how to effectively deal with people in business. Watch, and learn.
For security purposes a make-up team has done up Mr. Cohen to look like a British man who goes by the name Malcolm. But that's really Steve in there.
**Statement is a contractual obligation of all employees.