Goldman Sachs Bending Over Backwards To Show Clients Firm Cares, Bribing Them With Sushi


Time was, if you were, say, a hedge fund client of Goldman Sachs, you knew not to expect much in the way of bedside manner. No coddling, no hand holding, no Shmoopy Talk. You could try getting them on the phone, but that was generally futile, as all client calls were automatically rerouted to the Rejection Line. Oh, you felt like you weren't getting enough attention? You wondered if maybe there was a chance they were sometimes screwing you? Too bad. The way GS saw it, you were lucky if they didn't nut in your eye. Your only recourse was to roll over and take it, or GTFO. Since the whole "SEC fraud charge," however, things have changed.

Now, clients are actually getting their calls returned from the inside. And the conversations aren't two unsatisfying minutes but sometimes 3 or 5! And they don't end by the Goldman guy simply hanging up with out warning but offering a pretty convincing bull shit excuse like "oooh, I'm getting a buzz, gotta jump but I really enjoy this." It's wild! And it doesn't stop there.

Another hedge fund that a year ago turned down Goldman for a prime brokerage assignment was recently contacted again by the Wall Street firm to see if it would reconsider. A person close to the hedge fund, who declined to be identified, said the incident was surprising since Goldman rarely comes back begging for business.

Are you beside yourself in shock? Well sit down and get a load of this.

Traders said they've noticed that Goldman's prime brokerage operation, which provides loans to hedge funds and executes trades for funds, is going out of its way of late to show clients the firm cares. One hedge fund trader whose firm uses Goldman as a prime broker said a Goldman executive called a few days after the SEC lawsuit and offered to treat some of the fund's trading team to a sushi lunch.

Maxine Moore Carr Waters I literally cannot believe what I'm hearing. An entire sushi lunch? Could you die? (You will when you find out clients being taken to establishments like this, with Lloyd serving as the model to fairly stellar reviews. That's how much he cares.)

**Of course, the real test of whether or not GS actually gives a shit will be if they put a moratorium on cutting down clients' shrubs, in a memo entitled, "You don't mow another guy's lawn."