Goldman Sachs Bending Over Backwards To Show Clients Firm Cares, Bribing Them With Sushi

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Time was, if you were, say, a hedge fund client of Goldman Sachs, you knew not to expect much in the way of bedside manner. No coddling, no hand holding, no Shmoopy Talk. You could try getting them on the phone, but that was generally futile, as all client calls were automatically rerouted to the Rejection Line. Oh, you felt like you weren't getting enough attention? You wondered if maybe there was a chance they were sometimes screwing you? Too bad. The way GS saw it, you were lucky if they didn't nut in your eye. Your only recourse was to roll over and take it, or GTFO. Since the whole "SEC fraud charge," however, things have changed.

Now, clients are actually getting their calls returned from the inside. And the conversations aren't two unsatisfying minutes but sometimes 3 or 5! And they don't end by the Goldman guy simply hanging up with out warning but offering a pretty convincing bull shit excuse like "oooh, I'm getting a buzz, gotta jump but I really enjoy this." It's wild! And it doesn't stop there.

Another hedge fund that a year ago turned down Goldman for a prime brokerage assignment was recently contacted again by the Wall Street firm to see if it would reconsider. A person close to the hedge fund, who declined to be identified, said the incident was surprising since Goldman rarely comes back begging for business.

Are you beside yourself in shock? Well sit down and get a load of this.

Traders said they've noticed that Goldman's prime brokerage operation, which provides loans to hedge funds and executes trades for funds, is going out of its way of late to show clients the firm cares. One hedge fund trader whose firm uses Goldman as a prime broker said a Goldman executive called a few days after the SEC lawsuit and offered to treat some of the fund's trading team to a sushi lunch.

Maxine Moore Carr Waters I literally cannot believe what I'm hearing. An entire sushi lunch? Could you die? (You will when you find out clients being taken to establishments like this, with Lloyd serving as the model to fairly stellar reviews. That's how much he cares.)

**Of course, the real test of whether or not GS actually gives a shit will be if they put a moratorium on cutting down clients' shrubs, in a memo entitled, "You don't mow another guy's lawn."

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A week ago today, a man named Greg Smith resigned from Goldman Sachs. As a sort of exit interview, Smith explained his reasons for departing the firm in a New York Times Op-Ed entitled "Why I Am Leaving Goldman Sachs." The equity derivatives VP wrote that Goldman had "veered so far from the place I joined right out of college that I can no longer in good conscience say I identify with what it stands for." Smith went on to note that whereas the Goldman of today is "just about making money," the Goldman he knew as a young pup "revolved around teamwork, integrity, a spirit of humility, and always doing right by our clients." It was a culture that made him "love working for the firm" and its absence had stripped him of "pride and belief" he once held in the place. While claiming that Goldman Sachs has become virtually unrecognizable from the institution founded by Marcus (Goldman) and Samuel (Sachs), which put clients ahead of its own interests, is hardly a new argument, there was something about Smith's words that gave readers a moment's pause. He was so deeply distraught over the differences between the Goldman of 2012 and the Goldman of 2000 (when he was hired) that suggested...more. That he'd seen things. Things that had made an imprint on his soul. Things that he couldn't forget. Things that he held up in his heart for how Goldman should be and things that made it all the more difficult to ignore when it failed to live up to that ideal. Things like this: