Anonymous Former Goldman Employee Will Pay For His Sins

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Here's one: in an online survey of current and former employees, Goldman Sachs beat out a whole slew of financial services firms to be named-- wait for it-- the second best place to work. Now, I know a lot of other banks and institutions would be sending out congratulatory emails about how great an achievement this is and so on and so forth right about now. That's because these banks and institutions are losers, just as second place is (the number one loser, in fact). Reuters is trying to make a big deal of the whole thing, offering Goldman a pat on the back, going on about how this is great news in a time that Goldman could really use it, which is of course just making things worse. Why not draw attention to the fact that GS is the best place to work after freaking Susquehanna International Group, Reuters? You know what Goldman could really use, Reuters? You stuffing it. This is not great news. Goldman finishes second to no one and it certainly doesn't finish second to companies headquartered in Lower Merion Township. Today, though, the bank did.

[Breathe]

Rather than do what all of you think it's going to do, which is just FLIP OUT, Goldman is going to use this as a teachable moment. What can we learn from the failure and apply the lessons toward future online surveys that will potentially embarrass the bank? Well, it seems there are a couple things in particular that can be gleaned, and here's what they are: 1) making sure the threats suggested in exit interviews as to what could be visited upon outgoing employees should they fuck with the brand upon being released into the wild are taken seriously and 2) tagging said outgoing employees with GPS ankle monitoring bracelets that can never be removed and wiring their nipples with clamps through which an electric shock is sent if they so much as entertain the thought of violating lesson number 1. (Why this isn't standard protocol already is beyond me.)

And a word of advice to this guy. Run:

Goldman got top marks from its employees in seven of eight categories -- career opportunities, communication, employee morale, recognition and feedback, senior leadership, and fairness and respect, according to the survey. The only area where it lagged behind its closest rivals was work/life balance, where it came in behind Bank of America Corp's Merrill Lynch and Citigroup Inc and tied with JPMorgan Chase & Co .

One anonymous reviewer, identified as a past employee, called Goldman a "great place," noting that the brand name and compensation are its greatest assets. But the reviewer also stressed the long hours.

"They overwork you," said the reviewer. "Upward mobility is pretty unavailable. People envy you for working there and it's pretty bad. You can't move around."

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Goldman Sachs Unimpressed By Sophomoric Writing Efforts Of Former Employee

Back in March, a young man named Greg Smith published an Op-Ed in the Times called "Why I Am Leaving Goldman Sachs." Greg wrote that despite joining a firm that, in the beginning, cared about "teamwork, integrity, a spirit of humility, and always doing right by clients" and not "just about making money," he'd ultimately come to be sickened by a place that, twelve years later, he couldn't even recognize. A place that, on Lloyd Blankfein and Gary Cohn's watch, had lost its way. A place that, he'd come to see, was devoid of any sort of morals, whatsoever. A place that needed to take a long hard look at what it had become. A place that, he predicted, was not long for this earth. Because unlike Smith, whose proudest moments in life-- "being selected as a Rhodes Scholar national finalist and winning a bronze medal for table tennis at the Maccabiah Games in Israel, known as the Jewish Olympics," respectively-- involved hard work and no short cuts, "Goldman Sachs today," Smith wrote, is all "about the shortcuts and not enough about achievements." Goldman Sachs 2.o, one might say, hasn't worked an honest day in its life and that didn't feel right to Smith anymore. The piece, which was said to come as shock to Goldman, did not please many people on the inside, nor did the $1.5 million deal Smith scored shortly thereafter to write Why I Left Goldman Sachs: A Wall Street Story, out October 22. Here's how Greg's publisher describes WILGS: From the shenanigans of his summer internship during the technology bubble to Las Vegas hot tubs and the excesses of the real estate boom; from the career lifeline he received from an NFL Hall of Famer during the bear market to the day Warren Buffett came to save Goldman Sachs from extinction-Smith will take the reader on his personal journey through the firm, and bring us inside the world's most powerful bank. And while higher-ups at GS may have been initially worried about the potentially damaging revelations that would appear in the book, apparently time, a slap in the face and an order to 'get it together you pustulant milquetoasts' by the ghost of Lucas van Praag has resulted in this delightfully bitchy, exceptionally underminery comment from 200 West: “Every day, some young professional, after a decade in a post-collegiate job, reassesses his or her career and decides to move on and do something else,” David Wells, a Goldman Sachs spokesman said Dealbook in an e-mailed statement. “Others can better judge whether Mr. Smith’s particular career transition is of unique interest.” Regardless of whether or not Goldman is correct in its assessment that Greg's sounds like the story dozens of analyst finishing their first year would tell of the "epic" stuff they witnessed during their 12 months of banking (+previous summer internship, during which things got pretty crazy) or if his particular career transition is indeed of unique interest, Dealbreaker will be hosting an evening of dramatic readings of select chapters, with yet-to-be secured GS alum/raconteur/boulevardier Lucas van Praag standing in for the part of Mr. Smith. Venue and ticket pricing to follow. Former Banker Promises A Peek At Goldman Sachs [Dealbook] Earlier: Resignation Letter Reveals Goldman Sachs Is In The Business Of Making Money, Hires People Who Don’t Know How To Tie Their Shoes; Jewish Ping-Pong Tournament Participant / Sixth-Year Goldman Sachs Vice President Is Looking For His Next Challenge; Goldman Sachs Accuser Greg Smith (Might Have) Lied About That Which He Holds Most Sacred

Goldman Sachs Can Fix This

A week ago today, a man named Greg Smith resigned from Goldman Sachs. As a sort of exit interview, Smith explained his reasons for departing the firm in a New York Times Op-Ed entitled "Why I Am Leaving Goldman Sachs." The equity derivatives VP wrote that Goldman had "veered so far from the place I joined right out of college that I can no longer in good conscience say I identify with what it stands for." Smith went on to note that whereas the Goldman of today is "just about making money," the Goldman he knew as a young pup "revolved around teamwork, integrity, a spirit of humility, and always doing right by our clients." It was a culture that made him "love working for the firm" and its absence had stripped him of "pride and belief" he once held in the place. While claiming that Goldman Sachs has become virtually unrecognizable from the institution founded by Marcus (Goldman) and Samuel (Sachs), which put clients ahead of its own interests, is hardly a new argument, there was something about Smith's words that gave readers a moment's pause. He was so deeply distraught over the differences between the Goldman of 2012 and the Goldman of 2000 (when he was hired) that suggested...more. That he'd seen things. Things that had made an imprint on his soul. Things that he couldn't forget. Things that he held up in his heart for how Goldman should be and things that made it all the more difficult to ignore when it failed to live up to that ideal. Things like this: