Financial Journalists Find New And Inventive Way To Kick UBS While It's Down

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As you may have heard, there's a World Cup outcome-predicting cephalopod mollusk that people are just obsessed with. So famous he is for being (completely randomly) right every damn time, that he's actually started to receive death threats, which is how you know you've made it. As you may have also heard, there's a bank called UBS that can't do anything right. It is pretty much at this point a commonly accepted fact. So this just seems gratuitous and uncalled for.

Paul the Octopus on Friday predicted Spain to win the World Cup Final. That's something the math modelers at investment banks just didn't see coming. Paul is flawless in his picks to far, contrasting sharply with predictions made by banks ahead of the tournament. UBS, for example, gave Spain just a 4 percent chance of winning the trophy with their past performance model. The Netherlands, who meet Spain in the final Sunday, had just an 8 percent chance, the bank said.

Octopus Outshines Investment Bank "Experts" [CNBC]

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As you may have heard, things have not been going tremendously well for Steve Cohen of late. Two days before Thanksgiving, the government went public with its case against a former SAC Capital employee, Mathew Martoma, who it accused of masterminding the largest insider trading scheme ever. Cohen was neither charged nor mentioned by name in the criminal complaint, but he did make an appearance playing the role of "Portfolio Manager A," a part we have previously mentioned one does not want to portray, if it can be avoided. Then on Wednesday, it was disclosed that SAC had received a Wells notice, indicative of the SEC's plan to sue the fund and if that wasn't enough, sources also claimed investigators are considering naming Cohen personally in the suit, to boot. So things are not exactly going his way right now and what he could really use is a break. The government dropping all charges against Martoma and publicly stating it will stay out of the Big Guy's business forever starting right this second seems out of the question but even some small act of kindness would probably help. Allowing him to pass you on 95. Telling him he looks nice today. Asking, "Have you been working out?" Sending him humorous YouTube videos with a sweet note like, "Hang in there, bud. You're in my thoughts..." On the flip side, you know what he doesn't need? Wildly libelous claims that it's going to take a lot more than a "Correction" to forgive.

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And hurt 15,000 VPs' feelings in the process!

Banks

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Hedge Funds

As Paulson and Co employees, clients, and people named John Paulson do not need to be told, the past year and half has not been the most joyous of times for the hedge fund giant. After making billions shorting subprime mortgages, the firm ended 2011 down 55 percent, was down 16 percent through the first half of 2012, and as of July, saw assets under management decline 44.9 percent to $21 billion from $38.1 billion, due to a combination of unfortunate performance and redemptions by investors so angry at the fund that they've felt the need to repeatedly tell anyone who will listen that parting ways with P&C was among the best if not the best decision they've ever made. One investor that hasn't had to consider voicing its unhappiness to the press or even worry about losing money at all? The 92nd Street Y. Last November Paulson guaranteed that he would personally cover their losses, whatever they turned out to be, come year-end. And the generosity did not stop there: for this one investor only, Paulson offered his services pro-bono, waiving all fees. So while he probably didn't expect representatives of the Y to rent a skywriting plane to proclaim their love and appreciation for him over midtown, lobby the city of New York to get 92nd renamed Paulson Street, or have his face tattooed to their chests, he probably also figured they wouldn't turn around and hit him the mother of all slaps in the face. In this case the declaration that despite the highly favorable terms of their arrangement, any involvement with P&C still felt a tad too risky for everyone's comfort level. In the midst of the financial crisis, the 92nd Street Y came up with a sweetheart deal for its endowment: investments in funds run by the likes of John Paulson, Marc Lasry, and other hedge-fund luminaries that were fee-free and guaranteed against losses. The strategy performed well for several years, said people familiar with how it worked, as the Y benefited from risk-free investing in some of the fund industry’s most successful strategies. But, concerned about the impact of a catastrophe in which a money manager couldn’t repay losses and eager to construct a more diversified portfolio, the Y recently opted to redeem its hedge-fund investments, these people said, and rebuild its financial strategy from scratch. Paulson himself is worth $15 billion, so a catastrophe in which he couldn't repay the Y's losses would have to be a big one. And don't give him some line about how you're pulling out of all hedge fund investments and it's not personal. You could have let him have this. Despite Sweet Deal, 92nd Street Y Redeems Paulson Money [CNBC] Earlier: John Paulson: I’ll Get The Losses This Year, Next Year We Go Dutch?