JPMorgan Bosses Take Road Less Traveled When Dealing With Problem Employee

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When Kevin Dillon started working for JPMorgan in March 2008 as a "client processing specialist," everybody liked him just fine. Better than fine, in fact. He was praised by his superiors, he received glowing reviews and in just a few months time, he was slated to receive a bonus and a promotion. This was all, however, before he filed a report citing "highly questionable accounting and management practices" at Highland Capital Management LP and recommending that JPM cease "facilitating Highland's improper practices." In doing so, Dillon was forcing his bosses to make a decision re: how to deal with the findings. They could 1) follow his suggestion and cut the hedge fund loose or 2) acknowledge the findings and decide to do nothing about them. In this case, Dill's bosses decided to go with the second option, telling him they were "aware of Highland's improper practices [but] that nothing would be done to remedy the issue."

As I'm sure many of you know, however, when you've got a situation like a Kevin Dillon situation, it does not end there. Because if there's one thing I've found in my multiple decades long career on Wall Street is that a guy like Dillon is gonna be trouble. He won't just accept your decision to look the other way, which is admittedly annoying but something you can deal with if you've got the skills or someone coaching you from the sidelines (me).

First off, you can't fire a Dillon-type straight-away, because it'll be too obvious. This is something that requires a more subtle touch. You will want to, of course, make work life unpalatable for the employee in question, so taking away his bonus, promoting incompetents over him and offering negative but purposely vague reviews is a given. That'll go a long way in psyching out said problem employee. But if you really want to break him...if you really want to leave your mark...if you really want to, in the event this thing ends up a lawsuit, make a name for yourself, give the readers something to aspire to and have people say "that guy may be a whack-job and potentially a racist but he knew how to deal with people," you'll try something like this.

In addition to the retaliatory action, Dillon cites two examples of "alarming behavior" by his supervisor. In one instance in 2008, the supervisor told Dillon he needed to clean "the mess" that was created by an African-American employee "who the supervisor admitted was hired primarily to combat adverse fallout from previous racial and sexual discrimination suits brought against the defendant because of the supervisor's acts," according to the lawsuit.*

In another instance, the lawsuit details how his unnamed supervisor allegedly discussed with Dillon the "wide array of guns he possessed and described to (Dillon) the violent acts he would commit if anybody crossed him or his family," according complaint.

This is just a blueprint of course, feel free to put your own spin on it in whatever way feels natural. For those of you unimaginative fucks who need me to do everything for you, one idea, if you're going to test out the gun scenario on a colleague today, is to do it wearing a purple jumpsuit and start off with something along the lines of "Let me tell you something, pendejo. You see this piece? You pull any of your crazy shit with us, I'll take and I'll stick it up your ass and pull the fucking trigger till it goes 'click'." But I encourage you to test out all kinds of things and let us all know how it goes.

JPMorgan Employee Fires Whistleblower Lawsuit [GT via BI]

*Can the name of this guy who not only tried to (hilariously) intimidate someone by showing them his gun collection but b) also apparently got pawsy with the ladies PLEASE, for the love of god, have his name released? Otherwise we're just going to be forced to come up with the contents of him sexual discrimination cases on our own.


Connecticut Resident Takes Road Less Traveled In Refusing To Pay Cab Fare (Update)

While Charles Martin, too, passed out in the back of his taxi on the ride home, like his brother in arms, upon coming to he merely questioned the sexuality of the officers on the scene before threatening what would happen if they came any closer. A city man with more than $1,300 in his pocket was charged Thursday morning with trying to snub a taxicab driver out a $43 fare, police said. Charles Martin, 35, of 15 School St., Norwalk, was charged with sixth-degree larceny and resisting arrest and was held in lieu of $1,000 bond. Norwalk police Sgt. Lisa Cotto said a Stamford cab driver showed up at police headquarters just after 3:30 a.m. Thursday complaining that he had a man in his cab refusing to pay the fare from the Stamford train station to the man's School Street home. When police went to the cab, Martin was asleep and appeared drunk, telling them to leave him alone, Cotto said After he was arrested, police found $1,353 in cash in his pocket, Cotto said. Unhappy with being arrested for trying to stiff the cabbie, Martin allegedly warned the police officers -- who he also said were gay -- what would happen when they removed the cuffs from his hands. No word on what that was but odds it involved a pen knife are high. Cops: Man with $1,300 in pocket refused to pay $43 cab fare [Stamford Advocate] Related: Banking Exec Maintains Innocence Re: Stabbing Cab Driver

Donald Trump Offers How-To-Guide Re: Dealing With Disgruntled Employees Turned Whistleblowers

Got an unhappy employee (or former employee) on your hands who's decided to channel his or her anger by penning an Op-Ed in a major publication detailing egregious acts being committed at your firm and/or going to the Feds with allegations of fraud? Not sure how to handle the fallout? Why not take a page from Donald Trump's playabook? He found himself in a similar situation with regard to Sheena Monnin, a first-year Miss Pennsylvania who "resigned her crown" over the weekend, claiming that the Miss USA pageant is "rigged." Here's how Don dealt with the matter and how anyone thinking about taking a more hands-on approach to dealing with disgruntled employees might too: Threaten to sue. “We’re going to bring a lawsuit against this girl,” Trump, who co-owns the Miss Universe Organization with NBCUniversal, told NBC’s “Today” show co-anchor Ann Curry on a phone interview; he used similar language in a phoner with George Stephanopoulos on ABC’s “Good Morning America.” Note that you've already conducted a thorough investigation into the employee's claims and that your internal probe has revealed them to be baseless. Monnin announced Tuesday on her Facebook page she was turning in her tiara after she: “Witnessed another contestant who said she saw the list of the Top 5 BEFORE THE SHOW EVER STARTED proceed to call out in order who the Top 5 were before they were announced on stage. Apparently the morning of June 3rd she saw a folder lying open to a page that said 'FINAL SHOW Telecast, June 3, 2012' and she saw the places for Top 5 already filled in.” “They've done an investigation," Trump said today. "I just found out about it -- they just reported to me about five minutes ago. The person that supposedly showed the list totally denies that that ever took place.” Suggest, by saying outright, that the outburst can chalked up to the fact that this person didn't receive the promotion she thought she deserved. Make it clear that she was not partner material. Sixth-year VP material at best. Asked his first impression of Monnin, Trump said, “I saw her there. My impressions were she didn't have a chance of being in the Top 15 -- not even close. And all this is, is a girl who went there, lost, wasn't in the 15, and she's angry at the pageant system. Later, he added, “I never felt she had a chance. And all this is is buyer's remorse.” Donald Trump says he’ll sue ex-Miss Pennsylvania over her claims of Miss USA fraud [WaPo]