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Laid Off Wall Streeter Dreams Up Innovation Sure To Rock Your World

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The scene: You're at your desk buying, selling, sending asinine IMs to your colleagues and just generally kicking ass and taking names when you get an itch. A stirring, down in your plums. You need to stick your tongue in something sweet or there's a good chance you might die. You need a cupcake, ASAP.

The internal conflict: Cupcakes are for chicks and pusses. You're a fucking MAN. How would it look if you were seen eating that little slice of heaven? You'd sooner take estrogen pills, slip into some panties and heels and tell people to call you Stupid Girl and that's something you'd never do unless asked nicely twice or maybe just once or maybe even voluntarily. But, oh god, you need that sugar so bad you're gonna burst! BUT HOW?? you ask yourself, nearly on the verge of tears. Cupcakes are inherently a woman thing due to their size so would it be better to just eat an entire red velvet cake in the break room, literally just plow right through it letting the creamy white frosting goodness cascade down your hands and face? Would that man things up a bit? A little but 1) you love how big cupcakes make your hand look 2) you're watching your weight (it's beach season and all). There's also the problem of most cupcake makers using lots of girly colors like pink and skimping on the non-manly ingredients like semen and sweat and gah it's just too hard! WHAT'S A BOY TO DO??

The Solution: Enter David Arrick. He was laid off from his Wall Street gig and with the time on his hands, solved your problem. David, too, realized that eating cupcakes sent a message you didn't want to send, so he for real came up with a company called "Butch Bakery" that lets you look like a man while devouring heaven in bite-sized form. How so? Glad you asked. Butch Bakery "stays away from the pink" and injects stuff like beer and whiskey and rum and coke to create a product that lets you maintain your non-chick status all the while allowing you to enjoy an "explosion in your mouth that is just delicious."