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Bonus Negotiations: How To Get 'Em Done

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Listen up, people. It's never to early to start talking year-end bonuses and in order to ensure you'll be making it rain, today we're going to talk about this: strategy. Pick a number, any number. Visualize that number. What is it? A unit? A buncha units? You want it? You can have it, so long as you arm yourselves with the tools to go get it. This is an organic conversation in which you should feel free to toss ideas of your own but to get things started I'm going to offer a bunch of tips I've picked up in conversations with seasoned vets. Such as:

1. You must--must!-- have a wing-negotiator. I don't care if it's a first year analyst, an intern, or the receptionist, you need someone who'll be there to a) back you up but most importantly announce your entrance. You will wait outside the conference room and he/she will go in and let everyone know, "Alright, you suits, prepare yourselves for [your first name]-motherfucking [your last name]."

2. Consider walking in in a manner that conveys to them you have more important shit going on than your bonus negotiations (fielding other offers, reaming out your pimp for hooking you up with a piece of less than Grade A quality meat, etc), like entering in the middle of a phone conversation and giving them the "1 minute" sign.

3. Confidence. You've got to have it and you've got to show it. Opening lines such as "Listen up you motherfuckers, let me just cut right to the chase. This not my first rodeo. I have signed a hundred other bonus agreements that have been way bigger than this shit, okay? So nobody is going to be fucking bamboozling anyone with this lingo-jingo-fucking mingo" are a good idea.

4. Demands. In addition to the cash and stock portion of your bonus, which you will get, have a list of things your employer needs to do for you on top of that. This shows them a) you're not messing around b) that you know your worth. A big ass office. Bukakke porn. A motorcycle with a "Fuck You" license plate. Etc. Also, in these times, it's good to go with stuff they can't really clawback-- a tattoo of a naked Russian chick on your inner arm. Fluffers. You get the drill.

5. Wrapping it up. You entered with intimidation, you leave with it, and on top of that, you grab the boss's pen or whiteboard marker and you walk out with that too. You are not someone to be trifled with.

If you're having trouble thinking about how to put all these tips together as a cohesive unit, please do review the following training video that incorporates them all.

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