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Financial Services Rep Not Aware Putting His DNA In Co-Worker's Water Was Something His Office Frowned Upon

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These days, if you work on Wall Street and want to let people know that underneath that button down shirt and black pants beats the heart of an absolute freak, you've got to step up your game. If you're going to get your name out there, it's not enough to simply sexually assault a female colleague-- you've got to manhandle her breasts with your feet. It's not enough to sodomize an underling, you've also got to piss in his mouth. And if you're going to "release an offensive material in a public space"-- in this case, the material your semen-- that space must be your co-worker's water bottle. Twice. Michael Kevin Lallana knows what we're talking about.

The first incident took place in January. The Northwestern Mutual Investment Services somehow got his jizz in a bottle, left it on his target's desk, she drank it, got sick and threw it out. A couple months later, MKL released more "material" in the same woman's beverage. Again, she took a swig and again she felt sick. This time, however, rather than just throw it out, the lady sent the bottle to a lab for testing. "Am I crazy, or does this water have semen in it," she probably asked the technician. Crazy she was not.

In June, the private lab warned the woman that the bottle contained semen. She reported the incidents to the Orange Police Department and investigators later obtained Lallana’s DNA, which matched that found in the water bottle. Lallana, who has worked for Northwest Mutual for seven years and describes himself on company websites as a married father of a young daughter and a graduate of USC’s Marshall Business School, was arrested outside his Fullerton home. “It shocks the conscience,” said Orange County Deputy Dist. Atty. Bobby Taghavi. Taghavi said investigators were able to key in on Lallana because he worked at both locations where the incidents occurred. During the investigation Lallana eventually volunteered to provide a sample of his DNA for testing, he said. Taghavi said Lallana and the woman were colleagues, but Lallana had not expressed animosity toward the woman or done anything publicly to suggest he was the perpetrator.

A Northwestern Mutual spokeswoman says that MKL was dismissed upon the allegations coming to light but with 6 recommendations and 344 connections on LinkedIn, he shouldn't have too much trouble finding a new gig.

Meet the Finance Exec Who Allegedly Put Semen in His Co-Worker's Water Bottle [Gawker]
Orange County man allegedly put semen in female co-worker's water bottle [Updated]
Michael Kevin Lallana [LinkedIn]


Who Didn't Realize Sending Packages Containing Fake Grenades Was Something This Office Frowned Upon?

As you may have heard, earlier today, people working in 2 World Financial Center were evacuated from the building after a suspicious package was flagged by security. Initial reports claimed it contained a grenade; obviously this was cause for alarm and would have continued to be had the NYPD determined it to be an actual grenade and not a "grenade-like novelty item," mounted on a plaque with a sign that says "Complaint Dept. Pull Pin." Now that it's clear everyone is safe (and at least mildly buzzed), a few questions need answering. 1. Who sent this thing? Was it: a) A person whose sense of humor involves putting something like the above (or a sign that reads "I can only please one person per day. Today isn't your day...and tomorrow don't look good either") on her desk. b) An idiot friend of someone who works in the building. c) An rival bank trying to disrupt Nomura trading d) other 2. Assuming the item was purchased by someone working in the building, when do you think it dawned on him or her that they were responsible for having the building evacuated? 3. What will the consequences for the sender be, legal and professional? Senior Jailhouse Correspondent Matt puts the probability of prison time at 1.37 percent.