Skip to main content

Confidential To Any Hedge Fund Managers Who Are Expecting To Have Bad News For Investors At Year End

  • Author:
  • Updated:

Don't listen to your legal team, IR or other handlers when they recommend cleaning up a letter that starts out by saying, "Sac ripping. Ass bleeding. Clown facing. Donkey punching. All vivid descriptions of what has happened to Team [insert name of fund here] this month slash quarter slash oh fuck it, the whole damn year thanks to the market not getting the memo about being our bitch"...for fear of offending clients' Victorian sensibilities. Trust me. They like it.

The Psychosomatics report said profanity offers a particularly effective way to communicate a point and connect with clients. Doctors dealing with difficult patients, apparently, find that a dose of profanity is often a perfect cure. "I swear all the time," Zimmerman said. "I feel that the more comfortable I get with a patient, the more I swear around them. It's a way of signaling intimacy and confederacy."

F-Bomb Your Way To The Top [FINS]


John W. Henry & Company To Evict Investors At The End Of The Year

Clients were informed of the turn of events today in a rather terse email that may or may not have concluded, "So that's all, don't let the door hit you on the way out." John W. Henry & Co., a trading firm controlled by the principal owner of baseball's Boston Red Sox, told clients it will stop managing their money amid dwindling assets and slumping returns. "This is to notify you that JWH has determined to cease managing client assets effective December 31, 2012," Amy B. Hanson, a marketing manager of the firm, wrote in an email to clients on Friday. "We will not be providing performance information going forward." John W. Henry said it will continue to do some trading for its own account. The firm, which managed more than $2.5 billion in 2006, today oversees less than $100 million, Mr. Henry said in an email. John W. Henry to Stop Managing Client Money [WSJ]

getty images

Hedge Fund Manager Who Spent Investor Funds On Prized Teddy Bear Collection Gets Five Years Lopped Off Sentence

Teddy-loving Paul Greenwood will be home sooner than he and his beloved stuffed animals thought.