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David Tepper Narrows Down His Ideas About What To Do With Billions Of Dollars

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It might seem all fun and games but there is a downside to being a billionaire. Namely, the task of coming up with what to do with your shit-tons of money. It's not that, at 53 years old, David Tepper hasn't had plenty of time to think about how he might put his stacks of coin to use. In fact, according to his sister, as a little boy he predicted he'd be a millionaire "before turning 30." So, we're talking decades here. But back in a suburb of Pittsburgh, when the Appaloosa founder was looking at a railing on the front porch and asking his brother, "If I put my head in there, would it get suck," hadn't dreamed he'd have the amount of money he does today. And those extra zeros really kind of expand your options to be limitless, making the task all the more difficult. Along the way, ideas, of course, have presented themselves. He could, for instance:

* Pay for a whole bunch of kids to go to college. But Tepps isn't too keen on that one. “I’m gonna have somebody put together a form letter for that,” he says. “It’ll say something like, I’m going to give you a great gift. What I got: Nothing.”

* Have a mold of his balls made (but a former employee already gave him just those, in all their "cartoonishly huge and grotesquely veiny" glory) or a pair of tits for everyone in the office (ditto on that base already being covered: “We had this client, they make breast implants,” says a former employee. “He loved to keep them on the desk, he’d love to throw them around.”)

* Get back at the girlfriend of five years, Cindy Perl, who dumped him, citing a question in her mind as to whether or not he'd be able to "support the lifestyle" she was hoping for, by, I don't know, hiring one of those skywriting planes to leave the message "How do you like me now, bitch?" every morning over her house? But the poor girl has probably suffered enough, having married a dentist.

* Buy a private jet? No: "I have NetJets."

* A piece of the Steelers? Already owns a minority stake.

* A hot piece of just barely legal ass? "I could get myself a 22-year-old!" he says, but then there is the matter of the wife of thirty years, Marlene.

Okay, well WHAT THEN? Think, god damn it, THINK.

“Sometimes,” he whispers, leaning across the table, “if someone is an asshole, like a waiter at a restaurant, I think, I could just buy this place and fire that guy.”

Ready To Be Rich [NYM]