UBS Unveils Latest Revenue, Productivity Generating Scheme


UBS lost a lot of money over the last few years. Some might call it as metric-ass tons of money, others will say shit-tons. Whatever, the point is, it was a lot. A whole lot. The Swiss bank has recently begun a PR offensive that involves the message "it will not rest" until it regains its rightful place as the most majestic bank in all the land but do they have an actual plan re: how they're gonna make the back? It appears they do.

That's right fuck-sticks, you wanna make/save tens if not hundreds of dollars a year? It starts by a) cutting down on all the fatties using the $25 allotment of colleagues not ordering and b) cracking down on the wasted 30 minutes of chit-chatting associated with ordering/eating together. Shut up and get to work.


Bonus Watch '13: UBS

...employees will get their bonus numbers when management feels like giving them their bonus numbers!

Bonus Watch '12: UBS

Numbers for first and second year analysts (who are not happy). "It's been two weeks since UBS numbers came out and nobody wants to talk about it, for obvious reasons. Second years (base: 80k) ranging 45-65k and heard of some first years getting around 40k (base: 70k). And they could only achieve these numbers ("in line with the street") after firing 30+ analysts right before communication day."