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Yesterday, a soon to be first year analyst wrote in with a request. Quivering with fear at the thought of being chained to his desk for the next several years with zero time to tap ass, he wondered if some seasoned veterans would offer some advice with regard to juggling work and reeling tail. Today, he would like to elaborate a bit about himself and his situation.
Thank you for putting up that post. I was wondering if there was any chance you could bump it and do an update in order to provide more clarity in what I was asking (as well as my motivation behind seeking advice)?
First off, it should be noted that I personally drill 8 and ups, dames find me gregarious, erudite and witty. I am not intimidated in the sense that I’m shaking in my Band of Outsiders Sperrys at the big, loud, and potty stench filled City; I’m intimidated at the REALITY of the lack of women I’ll be around, let alone the type of young ladies I’m used to having snuggle seshes with. As I previously stated, I have one friend on the Street who has a very attractive “slam piece” from undergrad, whom he recently proposed to. Since he’s a jerk-off who never takes works off (/Kanye), I think he felt the need to over spend on the ring (north of $20k), in order to keep her around.
Other friends in other male dominated industries often complain about the lack of “talent” in their respective fields, or they turn delusional about the quality they’re surround with. An example would be a good friend who works on the exchange in Chicago, who harps on about this “certified 9” that he works with. He tries to set her up with me, so I can knock her down, and he can live through me when I tell him the story. I meet this girl for drinks, and while she wasn’t visual acid, she definitely wasn’t up to par with my standards. I still poked, more of a service to him than for pleasure on my part — but it illustrates just how miserable I would be if I started to find girls like that actually attractive.
These friends are around so few women, or just plain average looking girls for so long that it muddies their historic standards — it’s sad, and I truly fear that happening to me.
If that makes me weak, or scared, or what have you fine, crucify me. From the responses thus far are am I really reduced to line-blowing models that want to max out my Chase debit card at Barneys, and random hook-ups at Murray Hill bars? Again, depressing. Maybe I should send my resume to Omnicom/BBDO…
Give Dan Loeb An Oscar 
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You’ll Never Guess The Kinds Of Things A Trump Administration Official Was Writing 15 Years Ago 
Anthony Scaramucci Is The New Geoffrey The Giraffe 
Investment Banking Associate Leaving Deutsche Bank Writes Master Class Email On How To Leave Deutsche Bank 
New Book Claims Gary Cohn’s White House Life Is As Abjectly Miserable As We’ve Always Hoped 
Florida Man Who Raised $100 Million To Short The VIX Likely Returning To Old Job At Target 
Blind Item: Which Credit Suisse MD Is Giving Us Our First Inappropriate Intern Touching Scandal Of The Summer? 
3:1 this kid is going to be an MD of JTF within 10 years.
This kid is in fucking O.J. land thinking that we believe this nonsense. and the fact that he saw the responses from yesterday chastising his strumpet request and asks you to bump his post is a god-damn laugh riot. I LOVE IT!
So like, what's your question man?
You "personally" drill 8 and ups? As opposed to using a surrogate stunt cock….
Bess you are a saint for posting this–the 4th tag is extra good
Man, what I would do to get my hands on a picture of this guy.
Or even better, have Bess meet him for drinks and see if he can walk out of the place with enough confidence to buy coffee in the morning.
That was the biggest load of crap I've ever heard. I mean, look at you. You're the kind of guy who would beg for sex. And I should know, we can smell our own.
There's an important phrase that we use here, and think it's time that you all learned it. Act as if. You understand what that means? Act as if you are the fucking President of this firm. Act as if you got a 9" cock. Okay? Act as if.
You Want details? Fine. I drive a Ferrari, 355 Cabriolet, What's up? I have a ridiculous house in the South Fork. I have every toy you could possibly imagine. And best of all kids, I am liquid.
Much like Oh Africa Brave Africa.
"dames find me gregarious, erudite and witty."
So you're an ugly bastard
If this guy is taller than 5'8" I'll kiss his Manolo's. That post must set the record for name dropping, chest thumping and all around assholiness. Well done, Junior…keep us posted and please tell me you're under 5'8".
What a f-ing douchewad = " I still poked, more of a service to him than for pleasure on my part "
Puntang is like pizza; when it's great it's great and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
poor guy has to work on his polishing skills if he's going to try and sell that kind of bs
Hey kid, I got “certified 9″" for you. Meet me in the 4th stall on the left.
-P. North
Director of Research
Engorged Capital PArtners
San Fernando Valley, CA
Dear Turdburger,
If you find your way to Wall St: "whatever you do, don't fall down, it would break my heart! (Pyle reaches the top, and pauses) Are you quitting on me? ARE YOU QUITTING ON ME?! Well, are you? Then quit, you slimy fucking walrus-looking piece of shit! Get the fuck off of my obstacle! Get the fuck down off of my obstacle! NOW! MOVE IT! Or I'm going to rip your balls off, so you cannot contaminate the rest of the world! I will motivate you, Private Pyle, IF IT SHORT-DICKS EVERY CANNIBAL ON THE CONGO!"
I can't believe this dckwad get's a decent job and I'm stuck toiling in retail.
– Guy just looking for a little prestige.
So, Shia, this aside, what's Michael Douglas like?
The Douche is strong with this one…
I'm looking forward to tomorrow's update when he tries to explain WTF he meant with this steaming pile of run-on gibberish.
A guy who claims to consistently bang 8s and up is worried about his ability to find ass in NYC…. yeah this dude is full of bs. If he really had game, he wouldn't worry about it. No, this isn't college where you can "take out the garbage" at 4am because the girls are wasted at your frat house, you gotta have some skill
Meredith Whitney Advisory Group Xmas Party 2010. BE THERE!
-Whitney Analyst (there's only 4, take your pick)
"Hey, how was the worst piece of ass you ever had?"
"Fan-fucking-tastic!"
"…am I really reduced to line-blowing models that want to max out my Chase debit card at Barneys[?]"
Who the fuck name-drops Chase like its a fucking Centurion? Yeah, I don't want coke-fiends overdrafting my TD card, but I don't go around dropping TD's name like it makes my dick bigger.
LMAO! This is some hilarious shit. You should go work for GS — maybe you can find first year analyst to collaborate some wicked rhymes off your inane anecdotes.
new york city…… where even the 5s act like victoria secret models. play it safe and cuff a sorority girl before graduating…… seriously. it doesn't get any easier
name dropping debit cards is the NKI.
Also, how do you "max out" a debit card? Isnt' that just called spending all of your money?
– confused
Bingo.
Its Greggers or Kouwe. Wait…scratch that, this kid is way funnier and a better writer. Bess, don't let this talent walk. Make him an assistant to the Assistant Editor so he can keep us up to date on his progress.
Precisely what I was thinking… seriously, wtf? It's alright though. He'll be laid off before bonus time.
"First off, it should be noted that I personally drill 4 and ups, dames find me swarthy, hairy and of low cunning. I am not intimidated in the sense that I’m shaking in my tube socks at the big, loud, and potty stench filled City; I’m intimidated at the REALITY of the lack of women I’ll be around, let alone the type of young ladies I’m used to having conjoined body shaving parties with. As I previously stated, I have one friend on the Street who has a very attractive “right hand” from undergrad, whom he recently calloused. Since he’s a jerk-off who never takes works off (/Kanye), I think he felt the need to over spend on the anal flower vase (north of $20k), in order to keep her around to provide milk and manure for fertilizer on the farm.
Can someone let this guy know that simoly are no hot chicks in Chicago? It's not just on the floor of the cboe my friend.
Well, at least he called it a slam piece.
This follow up to yesterdays post has filled me with more enthuse and laughter than I have had in a long time. This is better than any food challenge…. I would pay $2000 to hang for a night chasing dames that are 8's and up. Slam Piece type of dames
I find it funny how a guy who is going to work in finance doesn't know it is impossible to max out a Chase debit card.
– The guy who only banks at Banco Popular
I picture this guy looking just like the model for Cotton Work tailored shirts on the right side of my browser window (hit F5 enough — you'll know him when you see him).
I picture this guy looking just like the model for Cotton Work tailored shirts on the right side of my browser window (hit F5 enough — you’ll know him when you see him).
I picture this guy looking just like the model for Cotton Work tailored shirts on the right side of my browser window (hit F5 enough — you’ll know him when you see him).
bess, what are the legal ramifications of exposing this guy's identity? please tell us who he is.
By the way, what the fuck is a thesaurus? Some kind of dinosaur?
-from guy who drills reluctant 4s and down (and when I say down, I mean girls with down syndrome)
It was difficult to see how this could go downhill. Yet the kid found a way.
I confidently predict he will be the toilet masterbator at whichever institution he goes to, whatever the industry. I guess he uses both hands, which is how he gets to them being an eight.
It's like listening to those two foreign guys down at the coffee shop who've been living in the US almost long enough to sound American.
-Oh man, what a good bunch of partying at that discotec. They played one of my audience requests.
-Way awesome! I myself drank like five liters of beer. Any more and I would have ended up in hospital man.
-Oh you said it friend, but I wanted to stay, because I almost had sex on this girl.
tldr
That's what we were just discussing on the energy desk.
-Ally Bank Energy Desk Head
Do your 10 yrs and keep quiet;
walk away with min $1 Million liquid and head to OC to plow 8-10 Blondes <27 from UC systems or local economy 24/7.
You can buy a $500K ranch, 911 Cab; and do marketing at Sun America, Pac Life, Allianz.
Headed to date with 8, 27 tonight via Match…..while most here will be headed to left hand
Headed to OC in <12mos.
Do your 10 yrs and keep quiet;
walk away with min $1 Million liquid and head to OC to plow 8-10 Blondes <27 from UC systems or local economy 24/7.
You can buy a $500K ranch, 911 Cab; and do marketing at Sun America, Pac Life, Allianz.
Headed to date with 8, 27 tonight via Match…..while most here will be headed to left hand
Headed to OC in <12mos.
Do your 10 yrs and keep quiet;
walk away with min $1 Million liquid and head to OC to plow 8-10 Blondes <27 from UC systems or local economy 24/7.
You can buy a $500K ranch, 911 Cab; and do marketing at Sun America, Pac Life, Allianz.
Headed to date with 8, 27 tonight via Match…..while most here will be headed to left hand
Headed to OC in <12mos.
I think "8s and up" is a reference to the dick size he likes. Must be a size queen….
step 1…switch banks…astoria federal savings perhaps. step 2…sign up for a no-overdraft-fee checking account. step 3…shave your head, keep your gotee. step 4…FUCKIN KILL IT
In response to douche-holio's open letter, my advice would be that if you really want to get "8 and up" in NYC, but women find you "gregarious, erudite and witty," you need to start over and become a real a$$ — NYC chicks only like duded who act like the biggest douches in the world. This letter is a great start for you.
-Guy who hopes you work for him.
I will be at Minetta's tonight. Just keep grabbing crotch until you feel a good solid 2 inches in your hand.
"I’m intimidated at the REALITY of the lack of women I’ll be around, let alone the type of young ladies I’m used to having snuggle seshes with"
God, what a sad son of a bitch. It's gotta be a life of quiet desperation to be so young and already have the personality of a used diaper.
-Guy who likes using visuals to make a point.
"8s and up" = dead fish. 3s and 4s will blow your hair back, those chicks work so damn hard
Oh, and does he really think finance is anything like old LSO stories and/or AJ? That crap was funny and hyperbolic circa 2006-7 when it was written.
Kid, no girl/woman in NY is going to so much as speak to you, let alone fuck you, if you really are that misogynistic. Here's my advice: prepare yourself.. .www.fleshlight.com
1) You hit on a good point. A girl that would be a 5 on Madison avenue is an 8 in Alaska, and a 9 on Wall Street.
2) You are still a loser. Get used to going to the ATM for your action.
Nah, his limit is $500 a day due to his balance size
if youre in the midwest you should upgrade to a northern trust debit card
Wow. I would punch you directly in the mouth if I ever met you.
Go enjoy your senior year. You'll have plenty of time to meet the many women of New York, but you don't ever get college back.
-Guy who was once a 21 year old idiot
This kid isn't going to make it out orientation. I wonder if he wears Bonobos?
dude, i realize he's got to learn but making him do ass to mouth first year out is harsh
How many times are people going to re-post the same Boiler Room quote? At least the "Tavern that shall not be named" and "Soviet Russia" jokes were funny/sometimes original. Get with it.
Otherwise, i have no concerns.
$100 says this is the founder of "Project Mankind" or whatever that homoerotic weekend warrior crap camp mentioned the other day.
Let's face it, if this guy will only "drill 8 and ups", he didn't go to a school where a real Wall St firm recruits new hires. If 8+ is your standard, you better head west or head south.
but why are they always smiling?
You obviously haven't got some dome from a fat chick. They blow you until you forget their fat.
because I am erudite and witty, and my rod smells like gum and pennies
Wait, you're Puerto Rican?
He's been using the new >Pass by American Express, which you can't max out. He most likely believes anything else is max'able
Sounds like Princeton.
I've never wanted to beat the shit out of someone more who has provided me so much laughter.
Comments were top notch today, nicely done
Why doesn't this kid just tag his buddy's hot girlfriend? It's like free money.
not knowing the difference btw historical and historic while being douchey is NKI
Seriously, stupid monologue from a slightly entertaining movie, no more. Quote gets repeated more on this website than this kid steals lines from broslikethissite.com. Get real
Would you say you are filled with mirth? I am, and I hope Bess is as well but I am not sure.
One million "Liquid" is NKI.
"First off, it should be noted that I personally drill 8 and ups. And by 8 and ups, I mean size 8 and up. And by drill, I mean lying submissively under these cows until they mercifully stop. And crying myself to sleep."
"First off, it should be noted that I personally drill 8 and ups. And by 8 and ups, I mean size 8 and up. And by drill, I mean lying submissively under these cows until they mercifully stop. And crying myself to sleep."
Someone start an escrow account payable to anyone who reveals this guy's identity. The truth is out there, let's ruin a career.
USC songgirls>NYU hipsterchicks>Columbia crew "chicks"
Can we find out who this is so we can get him fired and blackballed?
Are you sure this is not a joke?
What guy uses the term "snuggle seshes"?
Since recruiting season just began and this guy claims to already have an offer, it would seem he received the offer after interning at the bank this past summer(?). If so, then wouldn't he already have some insight to working hours, and the availability of "quality" women in NYC?
My guess is that this is a female writing these e-mails.
dude, let's hang together!
I pull more ass than you…and I'm a fucking accountant. You should kill yourself.
I take it that he interned for the LA office or something of that nature
Chances are if you're quoting Kanye West you're not gregarious, erudite, or witty.
And this guy got an offer from a firm? WTF was I think doing my MBA in Supply Chain instead of Finance?
Damn fine reasoning….
You know what's even better than a "snuggle sesh"? Fucking.
@ Bess. Please hookup with this guy. He could be your "slap piece" and the all those interested could "live through" you AKA vicarously for those of us who actually are erudite (but not gregarious and only sometimes witty)….
Oh, and explain to this numb-nuts that guys don't propose to their "slap pieces".
"Fucking Accountant"–What kind of reporting does that job entail? Do you keep spreadsheets on positions, places, sex toys utilized? Great job! I'm jealous.
What's the salary like? Do you get bonuses?
Am I the only one who thinks this guy is gay? The only guys who talk about women like that are guys that are afraid to come out of the closet.
Kids today and their jargon
that's what killed me the most– dumb fucking asshole doesn't even know the meaning of his urban dictionary terms.
Slap piece? WTF? I have heard of a "bang piece" and a "side piece" but not a Slap Piece. Dude, stay out of my city, none of us finance females want a douche like you. No wait, let me take that back…come to the city so I can drain your debit card, give you a lame bj for your time and trouble then I can tell you how you can hail a cab on the corner.
real sad day when even amex cant get a break hell it might have been somewhat amusing if you dropped a amex green card. Chase……pull your tongue out my ASS.
I'm in an international group, so we're kama sutra-based. Not as sexy as it sounds.
we don't get bonuses but we get bone-us-es.
My money is on you getting fucked by another first year: the guy who played football at Lafayette and works in the Industrials Group.
Good luck with the rest of your academic year at Hobart, you fucking waste of life.
Why not just peg his ass?
During summer just head out to the Hamptons and scoop up a Russian. If you can manage to keep them from moving in, just cycle a new one through every month or so. You can occupy the remainder of the year with horny tourists…
That said, I'm getting a vibe from you that says you'd be more excited about Fleet Week.
CHUNG IS KING!
odds are he secretly loves cock -8 inches and up
He sure garners a lot of attention.
No kidding!
Hey College boy! You have no idea what your life is going to be like, you have BIGGER PICTURE things to worry about. Will your fake ass college game work on REAL 8' and up in the city? Will you be able to hack it and keep the job? if you dont have a job you wont get laid in this city anyway. Will you even want the same amount of tail when you have been working yours off. When you see so many nice men living carefree, OUT of the closet, will you be able to resist????
Is this part II of the Josh Powers article? $120k first year… that should buy you a lot of hookers and snuggle sesh's.
"Chase debit card" WTF? This is the fact that keeps sticking out.
I'm going to take pity on you and post some general advice that may actually be useful, Grasshopper.
– Erudite is great if you're a philosophy professor trolling for granola chicks with daddy issues. Otherwise, it's not a strength. The kind of guy who gets laid in NYC is the one who's loud, persuasive, aggressive, and charismatic enough to, say, talk his way past a velvet rope.
-"Dames," huh? I'm not a fan of affectations, but if you're going to go that route, affect a behavior that doesn't make you look preposterous. Today's women are not lusting over dudes that are good at sounding like Humphrey Bogart and James Cagney, so your effort will be better spent elsewhere.
-Give some thought to the various crutches that other readers have posted. Look for other work-arounds that you might be more comfortable taking advantage of.
-Regardless of what career you choose, part of growing up is figuring out how to get laid in the real world. Some guys never do… especially if they're always at work or they marry the first decent looking woman that likes them. It sounds like you may be at an elite school where your love of wordplay, pedigree, and impeccable taste are working for you: that won't be the case outside that environment. You will actually have to develop a personality and set of social skills that women respond to. Your reproductive fitness boils down to your ability to adapt.
-Seek out enclaves frequented by the kind of women who like your type and who you find palatable. Take advantage of college friends in NYC that will know the kinds of people you like to hang out with. If you have friends that move to DC after college try to visit them on the rare occasions that you can– ladies there like high academic achievers and guys with success on paper and are less picky about some of the other areas where you're lacking. Visits to your younger friends still on campus are another winner.
-As much shit as you're getting from the readers, it's actually good that you're humble enough to solicit knowledge and strategies from others instead of reinventing the wheel. There are plenty of resources on the internet to tell you how to pick up women. Get advice from guys who are good at picking up women, as opposed to people who work in finance that may or may not be able to seduce their way out of a paper bag.
-If you get depressed about how mediocre your female counterparts look, take solace in the fact that they have even worse personalities. Oh, nevermind.
-You'd probably be happier if you weren't so judgmental and reliant on external validation. I give that advice to everyone though.
-That you used the phrase "snuggle sesh" is troubling. Chicks don't like pussies. If you ever want to get your dick wet, you have to project an air of comfort about sex. Set your sights higher than spooning.
Happy hunting
I don't remember who mentioned the "freshman in NYC" concept, but I understand after last night. Everything was going well with some broad until I admitted I was 22 and just moved to the city. She was 24. She just walked away.
While that 1st part may be true, I strongly advise against getting married. There's just too much talent out there you'd just end up cheating/paying for it anyway.
Wow – this guy is a massive douche. He'll do great at Merrill!
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