How To Make The Ultimate CNBC Segment

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The following elements should be involved (Source: CNBC employee handbook, handed out to all on-air talent on their first day on the job):

* 1 guy in a kilt

* An intense moustache

* A bottle of booze (here's where you can get creative: could be a $150,000 bottle of whiskey or your favorite flavor of Boone's Farm, doesn't matter)

* Questions like, "what have you got in that bushy pouch?"

* A CNBC anchor who goes by the motto "I'm here for the party"

* Lively dialogue such as:

Guest: What I want you to do is put it in your mouth and hold it.

MCC: Put it in my mouth? You shouldn't say that to me [the suggestion being, you *should* say that to me]

Guest: Keep it in there keep it in there keep it in there

MCC: [Laughing]

Guest: Wait for it, wait for it, wait for it

* Supremely awkward reaction shots of co-anchors

* Confetti!

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How Your CNBC Sausage Gets Made (Update)

Step 1: Come up with story idea, say, about how small businesses are being hurt due to the NBA lockout Step 2: Reach out to Twitter followers, ask them to corroborate said story Step 3: Wait. Step 4: Practice asking Kate Upton to be your Valentine. ["Will you, Kaaa" voice cracks. "Will you, Kate Upton.." No, that's stupid. "Kate I would be most honored if you.."] Step 5: Daydream about how you and "Katie" will tell your families you eloped. Step 6: Marvel at your good fortune when a guy, who in real life is a bored teenager but over the internet seems like a legit businessman, emails you to say that he runs an escort service in New York, "mostly for away team players after games but some Knicks and Nets too; they are high rollers and I'm not getting the constant business I that I need to stay running." Step 7: Double fist pump the air and shout "Yes, D-Rove, you got this!" Step 8: Breathe, tell yourself to calm down and reel it in. Step 9: Put on your reporter hat and ask "Henry James" some questions like, "How much money would say you're losing? What cut do you then get? What is the cheapest woman and what is the most expensive woman? I assume it's by the hour and what is the typical # of hours?" Step 10: Make no attempt to verify source is who he says he is, that his business exists, that you're not being taken for a ride. Step 11: Cut, print. How A Teenager With A Fake Escort Service Duped Darren Rovell And CNBC [Deadspin] Related: SI Swimsuit Model Doesn’t Have To Worry About Things Getting Weird With CNBC Reporter Because He’s Known Her Since She Was 17