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Al Pacino Takes A Stab At Trading

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Varietyreports that Al Pacino has been cast as a hedge fund manager in a "financial thriller" tentatively titled Arbitrage, opposite Eva Green and Susan Sarandon. The only plot details that have been revealed are that Pacino is a "magnate" who gets "in over his head" and is "desperate to complete the sale of his trading empire to a major bank before his fraud is revealed. But an unexpected, bloody error forces him to turn to the most unlikely corner for help." Naturally, we need to know more.

Specifically about the "bloody error" and the "unlikely help." Unfortunately shooting doesn't start 'til next spring so it's going to be a good long while 'til the gaps are closed, meaning our only recourse it to make an educated guess based on our inner knowledge of the industry. As it's unclear whether or not Variety is being literal when it says 'bloody' or simply getting their British on, we'll have to dig deep for possible real-life scenarios for either instance. In the event we're talking actual blood:

* Pacino's character goes long AB negative and short O negative. Tagline: "You NEVER short the universal donor, asshole." (Unlikely help: a blood drive volunteer with loose morals.)

* The script is loosely based on a quant fund located in Greenwich, CT. After lunch one day, the founder decides to do some impromptu and very amateur manscaping on himself, using only a pair of dull scissors. He cuts a bit too close for comfort and losing a dangerous amount of blood, is forced to rip the cape off the vintage Captain America doll on his desk, which he hasn't so much as taken out of the box (it loses its value if removed from its original packaging) and use it as a tourniquet until the ambulance arrives.

In the event we're talking British bloody:

* Pacino's character is a hedge fund manager who loves sweets and has been known to drive all the way from his office in Chicago to an ice cream shop in Milwaukee just for one of his favorite shakes. He sold the bank on the deal based on his ultra-successful track record, but just before the deal is about to close, he discovers the firm has actually been down for the last three years after having some Twinkie residue squeegeed from his monitors.

* The magnate is based on one of the most well-known, successful managers in the world who is also exceedingly good looking. Walking down the hallway after working late one night he passes a piece of installation art-- a shark suspended in formaldehyde. He's always wondered, what would happen if I just stuck my finger in the tank, in the same way people think, what would happen if I just stuck my finger in this pencil sharpener? He unlatches the top and sticks it in, not knowing the artist, a deeply disturbed man who'd been waiting for someone to do just that, had stuck a motor in the shark's mouth set to clamp down on any appendages that might make their way inside. He shrieks in agony until the only person left in the building, the guy who replaces the snacks in the pantry finds him. His finger still stuck, writhing in pain, the manager yells "get me out of here!" The snacks guy, never imagining in his wildest dreams that he'd have the upper hand over the boss, considers it and says, "I'll pull you out. But you gotta let me get fancy with the treats. No more of this healthy crap." "I don't know what you're talking about," the manager counters. "You know exactly what I talking about," Snacks says. "The Soy Chips? Gone. I get free reign. Make Your Own S'Mores sets, the works. I want to spread my wings. Or, you can just keep your finger there. I'm good either way." They come to an agreement.

* The magnate is based on one of the most well-known, successful managers in the world who has an ass you can bounce a quarter off. His trainer cancels their session one night and he's forced to circuit train on his own in the company gym. He benches, he lifts, he wales on the Nautilis, all with the strength and agility of a Navy Seal and then boom! Out of nowhere, he's hit with a debilitating Charlie Horse. Laying on the ground, unable to move he screams for help. The only person left in the building is a recently hired IR chick who finds him there and carries him to his car.

* The magnate is based on one of the most well-known, successful managers in the world who has a cock from the Gods. One of his passion projects is a line of all fleece apparel (boxers, 3-piece suits, mini-skirts, the works), which he plans to present to the staff the next day. Working on a sample jumpsuit the 11th hour, he gets his lapels caught in the power sewing machine. He yelps for help until the one person left in the building, a P&L analyst, finds and untangles him. Normally the two would never have so much as uttered a word to each other, and though he's grateful and promises the young man he won't forget this, the manager warns, "if you tell anyone about this I'll fucking kill you."