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Breathe Easy: That FBI Agent's Not Here To Hurt You (In The Traditional Sense)

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Though we've had a good time with our parlor game, Who Will Be Next (To Get Raided) by the Feds as part of their Insider Trading Fest(ivius) 2010, I'd like to take a moment to get a little serious and a little personal. Over the next few days and weeks, some of our friends, colleagues, bosses and lovers are going to be accused of some stuff regarding the giving and receiving of hot tips. Because there isn't a very black and white definition of insider trading, many firms across Wall Street, from Southern Manhattan to Southern Connecticut, will be sitting in fear, watching, wondering if the FBI is coming for them. The slightest stirring on the trading floor will freak them the fuck out. Basically, they'll be living and working in total fear. And that upsets us just as much as it upsets the people waiting in limbo to find out if they're going to get nailed by the feds. And while we can't do anything to stop what's coming, what we can do is offer a little hope. Here's how.

At some point between now and the end of the year, a team of federal agents will be dispatched to our hedge fund of choice (how we have this pull will be revealed later). They will burst onto the scene, announcing their intent to get to the bottom of things. They will tell everyone to stay where they are and circle the highest ranking members of the firm, whose hands will be tied behind their backs. They'll use verbal intimidation tactics like the ones mentioned in this morning's Journal story, shouting at the targets, telling them it's too late-- they are going to be punished for being so very bad.

Then, strangely, the lights will go down and music will come on, playing "Hungry Like The Wolf."

"Is this standard procedure?" people will wonder. And the answer is yes, it is. It's standard procedure when you're being paid a visit by FBI...

...STRIPPERS who are just fucking with you!

That's right. This is our gift to you. Everybody can take a deep breath. Now, when people wearing FBI jackets burst into your office, there's a chance you might not actually be in pants-soiling trouble. In fact, feel free to assume it so. This will provide somewhat awkward moments for those actually being raided, if you choose to immediately undo your top two buttons and get into the lap dance receiver position while high-fiving the guy next to you but it's better than getting freaked out over nothing, when in fact you just might simply be the lucky recipients of our the golden ticket.



FBI Reveals That It Is Investigating Pretty Much Everyone For Insider Trading

So, yeah, you're probably being probed by the Feds right now.

You Can Add The FBI To The (Long) List Of People Impressed With Jeffrey Gundlach's Brain

There is no denying that Jeffrey Gundlach is a hugely talented man whose IQ would rank among the highest in the world if he ever had it tested. "What's it like having lunch with a genius," he once asked a colleague, who presumably answered, "To be honest, it's giving me an inferiority complex just breathing the same air as you, knowing that your brain is the standard for how intelligence will be measured from now until the end of eternity." Until recently, however, the application of Gundlach's brilliance was largely confined to bond management. According to a new profile by Bloomberg Markets, though, Gundlach's intellectual prowess is just as if not more impressive when it comes to crime solving.