Brian Moynihan Is Having A Tough Time

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When Brian Moynihan took over as CEO of Bank of America, i.e. the job no one wanted, he knew he wouldn't have the prestige or money associated with running Goldman Sachs, or the groupies that come with heading up JPMorgan. But at the time, he probably figured it'd at least be better than being the CEO of Citigroup. Sure, he'd have to clean Ken Lewis's vomit stains out of the rug and spend a bunch of late nights making this thing work, but odd are he didn't anticipate every waking hour being a scene out of torture movie, like it is these days given the whole mortgage mess gift Lewis and Angelo Mozilo left for him as a surprise. An Irish Rock, however, 'til now he hasn't shown many signs of cracking. Today, feeling like he was in the company of friends at the Bank of America Merrill Lynch Banking and Financial Services Conference, Bri-Moy unloaded about how much this job sucks.

“There’s a lot of people out there with a lot of thoughts about how we should solve this, but at the end of the day, we’ll pay for the things that Countrywide did,” said Moynihan. "It’s a day-to-day, hand-to-hand combat."

As we care about the guy and just want to make sure everyone's prepared with a shoulder to cry on, let's just guesstimate now, so we can be ready, how long before Moynihan:

* Says he wishes he had Vikram Pandit's job

* Cries, calls Lewis and shouts "I fuckin' hate you!" (While Angelo Mozilo, former CFC CEO-cum-BAC-wingman-in-residence frantically makes the "cut it out, end it" sign in the corner, to which Moynihan, covering the receiver, responds "What? I do! I fuckin' hate him!")

* Tells a first year analyst: "Forget it, I quit, I can't do this anymore, man. My head's about to explode. My whole life sucks! I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I'm going. We just killed Bambi, I'm out here getting my ass kicked and every time I drive down the road I wanna jerk the wheel into a Goddamn bridge abutment!"

BofA In Hand-To-Hand Combat Over Mortgages, CEO Says [Bloomberg]

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Brian Moynihan Is Walking On Sunshine

The BofA chief is pretty much having the best day ever. Not to get ahead of ourselves, but his IT guys are THISCLOSE to registering www.brianmoynihnanDOESNTsuck.com before one of his fans can.