Skip to main content

Goldman Sachs Changes 110 People's Lives

  • Author:
  • Updated:

In a basement at 200 West late last night, Lloyd Blankfein named the firm's new partners. Blindfolded and naked, they pledged their devotion to the firm and promised to share in its huge-ass profits. At the stroke of midnight, as a baby seal barked in the corner, they were inducted into the Brotherhood of the Sach. If you see one of the following people on the street, setting off metal detectors within a 5 mile radius with the gold rods in their pants, ask them if they need anything-- be it a mint, a fluffer, a mouth to stuff and discard bills in denominations of less than 100 in or a body to walk across so they needn't dirty their shoes by letting them touch the street. And for god's sake, BOW DOWN-- you are in the presence of greatness.

Chuck Adams
Nick S Advani
William D Anderson
Scott B Barringer
Gareth W Bater
Tracey E Benford
Avanish R Bhavsar
V Bunty Bohra
Stefan R Bollinger
Robert Boroujerdi
Alison L Bott
Sally A Boyle
Christoph Brand
Torrey J Browder
Philippe L Camu
Donald J Casturo
Chia-Lin Chang
Steven N Cho
David T Y Chou
Thalia Chryssikou
Colin Coleman
Kenneth W Coquillette
Cyril Cottu
Massimo Della Ragione
Michele I Docharty
David P Eisman
Harry Eliades
Christopher Eoyang
Samuel W Finkelstein
Matthew R Gibson
Michele Gill
Michael J Grimaldi
Dylan S Halterlein
Elizabeth M Hammack
Dane E Holmes
Ning Hong
Shin Horle
Stephanie Hui
Eric S Jordan
Vijay M Karnani
Christopher M Keogh
Peter Kimpel
Kelvin Koh
Adam M Korn
David Kostin
Joerg H. Kukies
Andre Laport Ribeiro
Geoffrey Lee
Laurent Lellouche
Eugene H Leouzon
Wayne M Leslie
John R. Levene
Leland Lim
Lindsay P LoBue
David B Ludwig
Raghav Maliah
Matthew F Mallgrave
Alain Marcus
Robert A. Mass
Matthew B. McClure
Patrick S McClymont
Dermot W McDonogh
Richard P McNeil
Avinash Mehrotra
Jonathan M Meltzer
Bruce H Mendelsohn
Peeyush Misra
Bryan P Mix
Atosa Moini
Ricardo Mora
Ezra V. Nahum
Nigel M. O’Sullivan
Nirubhan Pathmanabhan
Jonathan M. Penkin
Michelle H. Pinggera
Dhruv Piplani
Dina H. Powell
Sumit Rajpal
Ganesh Ramani
James H. Reynolds
Stuart Riley
Karl J. Robijns
Craig Russell
Luke A. Sarsfield III
Stephen B. Scobie
John C. Shaffer
Konstantin A. Shakhnovich
Daniel M. Shefter
Michael L. Simpson
Mark R. Sorrell
J. Richard Suth
Jasper Tans
Patrick Tassin de Nonneville
Megan M. Taylor
Teresa Teague
Pawan Tewari
Klaus B. Toft
Kenro Tsutsumi
Richard Tufft
Toshihiko Umetani
Jonathan R. Vanica
Philip J. Venables
Simone Verri
Daniel Wainstein
Kevin A. Walker
Robert P. Wall
David D. Wildermuth
Chang-Po Yang
Alan Zhang
Xing Zhang

Goldman Sachs Partners, Class Of 2010 [eF]


Goldman Sachs Changes 70 People's Lives

The following employees successfully made it through the "vigorous cross-ruffing" process and were inducted into the Brotherhood of the Sach this morning.

Goldman Sachs Makes 266 People's Mornings

Unlike the life-changing partnership ritual that takes place every two years, the managing director promotions, announced today, are more of a light pat on the ass that says, you’re doing a pretty okay job so far, but don’t get cocky. You've graduated from VP (a title which is now, amazingly, described to the layman as "the level attained by the disgruntled former employee Greg Smith"), and that's something to be proud of, but stay hungry for the reach-around.

Goldman Sachs To Offer More Would-Be Partners Opportunity To Go David Tepper On An Executive's Ass This Year

Each year, after a long and very comprehensive background check, a lucky group of Goldman employees are abducted from their desks, blindfolded, gagged, and led by candlelight through a dark hallway and into a subterranean conference room. Standing on the table before them are Lloyd Blankfein, Gary Cohn and the rest of the management committee, who ask if they are prepared to pledge their devotion to the firm above all else. Those who agree have their nether regions dipped in a vat of gold, genuflect before Cohn's groin, and, at the stroke of midnight, are inducted into the Brotherhood of the Sach. While there are many ways that becoming a member of the club will change one's life, the most important one involves the partaking of astronomical profits on payday. As a result, when people are not invited to join the group, they tend to get very upset. For instance, hedge fund manager David Tepper, who became a billionaire many times over after leaving the firm, was still so upset about the snub twenty years later that he bought and bulldozed the house of the guy who passed him over. Others probably wouldn't have even gone to the trouble of buying the place first, and operated the wrecking ball themselves. Which is why we say in full seriousness that the Partnership Committee might want to watch its back. Goldman Sachs has begun vetting potential new partners and is expected to appoint a smaller number of bankers to its upper echelons this year, according to senior executives involved in the process... The nomination process for new partners ended during the summer. The internal vetting process began earlier this month and is expected to last until mid-November when the new class of partners will be announced. The vetting process is known within the bank as “cross-ruffing”, in reference to a manoeuvre from the card game bridge and typically sees a team of partners deployed to every division to talk to employees who know the candidates. [FT, related]