Post Writer Finally Figures Out How To Work Longstanding Fantasy About Punching Lloyd Blankfein, Childhood Hangups Into Column

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"I've been investigating Goldman and Blankfein for years," Post columnist John Crudele says this morning, "and -- yes -- I think he should get a smack or two." But he couldn't just come out and write that because, you know, it would be slightly awkward and not befitting this consummate professional and probably not make it to print. Oh, but he wanted to, so bad! But how? Think, damn it, think! [snaps fingers] GOT IT-- a charity boxing event. Write a column promoting the thing and then you can let LB have it!

Lloyd Blankfein, the chairman of Goldman Sachs, would probably like to see me hurt. And I'd like to see him investigated for insider trading. So I figured a boxing match was in order. The only hitch, I can't seem to get Blankfein to do it. Let me tell you anyway how I almost became a pugilist. A few weeks ago someone from a gym downtown was looking for some publicity and mentioned that there is a charity boxing match with Wall Street types going against each other scheduled for Dec. 10. It's for an excellent cause -- to help women who are trapped in the sex trade industry. It's at Cipriani Wall Street, an expensive joint that is only accustomed to sweat when customers get the check. One of us -- and I can't imagine it was me -- suggested that I might want to participate.

Without really giving it a lot of thought I agreed -- but only if my opponent was Blankfein, the 56-year old Bronx-born, Brooklyn-bred gazzillionaire who leads a merry gang of other gazzillionaires at the Wall Street firm. I figured, why waste punches on someone who doesn't deserve them. I've been investigating Goldman and Blankfein for years and -- yes -- I think he should get a smack or two...

Let me briefly tell you about my qualifications as a boxer. Back in the sixth grade at St. Agatha in Brooklyn, I threw a punch at Marty Burke, a friend who had probably stolen my Spaldeen or committed some other grievous offense. Marty turned, and my jab (or it could have been a cross) landed squarely on his shoulder blade and I broke my hand. It was one of those career-ending injuries. I never fought again. But, hey, what guy doesn't want to get into the ring? The silk shorts pulled up to mid-chest! Attractive women in your corner swabbing your brow! A guy dedicated to just fixing your cuts! That's my corner.

Blankfein would probably have his butler, a maid and a plastic surgeon. And he'd be sitting on moneybags instead of a stool. But we will never know because, as of right now, there is no match. I'm still willing although training time (Yeah, sure) is running out. I don't really know how this battle of the over-the-hills got nixed and I don't know if the word ever got to Blankfein himself. So, this'll be my final plea: Hey, Lloyd, (unless you are a karate champ) let's do it.

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Lloyd Blankfein Finally Gets To Be The Prettiest Girl At The Ball

Time was, Jamie Dimon was the most popular CEO on Wall Street and America's "Least Hated Banker," for reasons that included the fact that the man has soulful blue eyes, charisma out the ass, and was in charge of one of the banks that a) didn't go out of business during the financial crisis, like Lehman and Bear and b) supposedly didn't actually need the bailout money the government made it take (as JD has said previously), like Bank of America and Citigroup. The man, in the hearts of many and especially the adoring press, could do no wrong. Which is why it probably stung a lot that Lloyd Blankfein, a Wall Street CEO who also possesses more charm than a person would know what do do with, who was also in charge of a bank that neither went out of business during the financial crisis nor required the bailout money it was forced to take (according to GS), and who is also the owner of a pair of baby blues, though in his case ones that sparkle, could only do wrong. And while LB is not one to gloat at another's misfortune, especially that of a friend, he's obviously feeling pretty good about being living proof of the old saying, "only one Wall Street CEO's balls can be in a vise at a time," and right now it's JD's turn. Dimon did not attend the annual Robin Hood Foundation party [last night], but Blankfein was there, enjoying a rare night out of the spotlight. He shook hands, introduced his wife and, grinning broadly, posed for pictures. For months, Goldman Sachs has been portrayed as the callous Wall Street behemoth whose executives collected giant bonuses while America's housing crisis worsened and unemployment rose. But Monday night was different. "No one cares about Lloyd tonight. It is Jamie against the world, and that's got to feel good for Lloyd," another hedge fund manager said. And this is just the beginning. First, they stop calling you Satan and claiming you poisoned their food, next glowing profiles and cover stories devoting major column inches to your rippling biceps and the throngs of women you beat off with a stick. Dimon Pushes Blankfein Off Hot Seat At Charity Gala [Reuters] Robin Hood Scene: Blankfein, Soros, Rihanna [Bloomberg/Photo]