Never Learned How To Tie A Tie? UBS Has Got Your Back

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UBS has issued a 44-page dress code to employees. Unfortunately, our French is a bit rusty so beyond telling female employees to wear pearl necklaces and scarves and men to wear shirts, it's unclear what exactly they're saying or if removing one's cock ring before work is a Do or a Don't. One thing that is helpful, if you've somehow managed to obtain and hold a job on Wall Street (and or made it past your 13th birthday) without ever learning to tie a tie? This handy how-to guide:

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Layoffs Watch '12: UBS Has Something To Share

Management has decided to burn the investment bank down and start fresh. Basically. UBS is set to unveil a radical downsizing of its struggling investment bank next week in a move that will prompt the loss of up to 10,000 jobs across the Swiss banking group. Switzerland’s largest bank by assets will significantly shrink the trading side and complexity of its investment bank and as a consequence also cut thousands of jobs in its back office over the next few years, three people close to the situation said. The job cuts will amount to almost a sixth of the bank’s workforce of 63,500 at the end of June. They will not happen all at once and the precise number is still unclear... It comes on top of another – still ongoing – programme announced last year to cut 3,500 jobs. The new strategy, hammered out in several executive board meetings in New York this week and set to be announced next Tuesday, will lead to the closure of a sizeable part of UBS’s fixed-income trading operations and other capital-intensive areas of the investment bank. UBS To Cut Up To 10,000 Jobs [FT] Related: UBS’s Investment Banking Head May Have To Slash His Own Expenses “Like A Jewish Shopkeeper”