Skip to main content

What Changes Will SAC Capital Bring To Domino's?

  • Author:
  • Updated:

Reutersreports that SAC Capital has taken a 5.3 percent stake in Domino's Pizza, making it the fifth-largest investor, at 3.2 million shares. While Cohen doesn't appear to have plans to meddle with management, he most certainly will be doing his part to enhance the brand, not only in an attempt to maximize profits but out of a love for bread, sauce and cheese. He'll be counting on every one of his soldiers to help him take DPZ to the next level and to that end, here's a short list of what SAC employees can expect moving forward:

* Innovation will be key to keeping things fresh; new recipes (panini pies, slices dipped in chocolate sauce, toppings like full-sized chicken wings and more) will be tested on the staff, who are advised to wear pants that give

* SAC employees of Steve's choosing will be stationed in high-traffic areas as delivery boys for research purposes (you will not get to keep your tips)

* Those "garish windbreakers" will be replaced by you know what

* Use of the DPZamboni as the standard delivery vehicle (it can do 80 on 95)

* Product-placement is huge- SC has been working on getting Domino's featured in a few upcoming pizza delivery-boy themed pornos, which will likely need some unknown actors-- the sign-up sheet for try-outs is in the lobby

* Not suggest you pump the stock but: 25% of bonuses to be determined by height of pile of empty cheesy bread boxes amassed at your desk

* Anyone seen eating pizza from a competitor will have the slice slapped out of their mouth and warned "that's one" (after one you don't want to know what happens)