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Absurd Speculation That SAC Capital Might Lower Its Fees On Account Of Investor Demand Can Be Nipped In The Bud Right Now

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As some of you may know, hedge fund SAC Capital charges fees of 3&50, which are somewhat higher than the industry norm. The firm has been able to "justify" such high charges on account of its historically impressive performance (such as the 73% it returned in 2000) but now, after a year in which SAC only gained 15.85%, some people, like a guy named Donald, are suggesting their "sky-high fees may no longer be tolerated."

"Investors view Steven Cohen as a money maker, but the market is far more competitive now than it was four years ago," said Donald Steinbrugge, managing partner at investment consulting firm Agecroft Partners. "And for anyone who has very high fees like SAC, it is going to be very difficult for them to get hired."Some people would be wrong.

And despite there being no evidence that SAC investors are going anywhere, others have sounded a similar alarm. As these people clearly know not of which they speak but insist on continuing to do so, some truth must be laid on their asses.

First off, you don't "tolerate" SAC's high fees so much as you thank god daily that the Grand High Poobah of Stamford has allowed you to invest with his firm, which is a privilege, and not a right. Big Daddy Cohen says he's charging 3 percent on management? Your response should be "can you make it 5?" For even the suggestion he should slash prices, you should get bumped to 5&75. It's alarming that it wasn't made clear by this point but you are the bitch in this relationship. You don't demand or direct or cry to the press or even put in a request as an equal to make things more reasonable, you beg on your knees like the worthless peon you are. To which SC's answer would, of course, be no (flourished with a "get out of my sight" and a backhand to the face), as he would sooner close up shop than cut his rates like a Thai hooker with the clap. In the extremely unlikely event he did, it would be on his terms, because he was in a good mood because they brought back Diff'rent Strokes or something-- not because anyone told him to.

As for you Don? Your balls have actually earned you the right to say what you're thinking to SC's face. The sit down will take place after a pick-up hockey game on the rink out back, where the home team (SC) plays perched atop a Zamboni made from repurposed monster truck parts that shoot out pucks at random, with a glassed-in Pope-mobile-like top in place of a mask, while the away team (you) will be issued Soviet-era gear and a child-sized stick. If Steve wins, current investors get their money placed in a sidepocket with a 50 year lockup. If you win, Steve will listen to what you have to say before laughing in your face and telling you to get off the property.

SAC's lower returns may ignite pushback on fees [Reuters]