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Confidential To Any CEO's Looking To Pump And/Or Dump Your Stock On CNBC

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While a new study offensively suggests that no news is ever actually broken on CNBC and that those banners are just for decoration, it does offer some helpful tips:

Interestingly, the research found that chief executives could also cause stock prices to move temporarily up by laughing or down by stuttering. Wordiness is a crime too — chief executives that go on longer are rewarded with less of a stock rise.

What other behaviors do we think might move a company's stock? Wild gesticulating? Purposely mispronouncing words ('fundamentals' = 'fun-dia-mentals', 'earnings' = 'gurnings')? Repeated use of the phrase whatchamacallit? Ending every statement with "fuckshitcocksuckerassholesonofabitch" and then staring at Maria like nothing had happened? Eating a bag of chips during the interview and letting the crumbs pour down your shirt, and not thinking 'til the end to ask the interviewer, "I'm sorry, did you want any?" Repeated sexual advances toward female anchors? Repeated sexual advances toward male anchors? Stopping to take a call on your cell, in which we're only able to hear your end of the conversation but can piece together that someone is getting reamed out for not winning you tickets to a Justin Bieber concert?

And which CEO can we turn to to test these theories?


How Your CNBC Sausage Gets Made (Update)

Step 1: Come up with story idea, say, about how small businesses are being hurt due to the NBA lockout Step 2: Reach out to Twitter followers, ask them to corroborate said story Step 3: Wait. Step 4: Practice asking Kate Upton to be your Valentine. ["Will you, Kaaa" voice cracks. "Will you, Kate Upton.." No, that's stupid. "Kate I would be most honored if you.."] Step 5: Daydream about how you and "Katie" will tell your families you eloped. Step 6: Marvel at your good fortune when a guy, who in real life is a bored teenager but over the internet seems like a legit businessman, emails you to say that he runs an escort service in New York, "mostly for away team players after games but some Knicks and Nets too; they are high rollers and I'm not getting the constant business I that I need to stay running." Step 7: Double fist pump the air and shout "Yes, D-Rove, you got this!" Step 8: Breathe, tell yourself to calm down and reel it in. Step 9: Put on your reporter hat and ask "Henry James" some questions like, "How much money would say you're losing? What cut do you then get? What is the cheapest woman and what is the most expensive woman? I assume it's by the hour and what is the typical # of hours?" Step 10: Make no attempt to verify source is who he says he is, that his business exists, that you're not being taken for a ride. Step 11: Cut, print. How A Teenager With A Fake Escort Service Duped Darren Rovell And CNBC [Deadspin] Related: SI Swimsuit Model Doesn’t Have To Worry About Things Getting Weird With CNBC Reporter Because He’s Known Her Since She Was 17