Confidential To Any CEO's Looking To Pump And/Or Dump Your Stock On CNBC

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While a new study offensively suggests that no news is ever actually broken on CNBC and that those banners are just for decoration, it does offer some helpful tips:

Interestingly, the research found that chief executives could also cause stock prices to move temporarily up by laughing or down by stuttering. Wordiness is a crime too — chief executives that go on longer are rewarded with less of a stock rise.

What other behaviors do we think might move a company's stock? Wild gesticulating? Purposely mispronouncing words ('fundamentals' = 'fun-dia-mentals', 'earnings' = 'gurnings')? Repeated use of the phrase whatchamacallit? Ending every statement with "fuckshitcocksuckerassholesonofabitch" and then staring at Maria like nothing had happened? Eating a bag of chips during the interview and letting the crumbs pour down your shirt, and not thinking 'til the end to ask the interviewer, "I'm sorry, did you want any?" Repeated sexual advances toward female anchors? Repeated sexual advances toward male anchors? Stopping to take a call on your cell, in which we're only able to hear your end of the conversation but can piece together that someone is getting reamed out for not winning you tickets to a Justin Bieber concert?

And which CEO can we turn to to test these theories?

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