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Jeffrey Gundlach's Self-Described "Stunning Market Insight" Has Taken A Toll On His Sex Toys

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Those of you who are familiar with superhero culture know that there is always a downside to have special powers. Sure, there are the highs of being able to, for instance, fight crime and fly, but more often than not, you can't have a normal life and often times are forced to put aside the people and things you love in order to use your gift for the greater good of society. Spiderman and Batman, for example, at various times in their lives had to give up being with the women they loved due to concerns for their safety and because it wasn't fair to the girls, always being put second to humanity, which needed their respective man's help. Someone who knows this conflict all too well? Jeffrey Gundlach.

Gundlach, who is known to have asked dining companions, “What’s it like having lunch with a genius” and forced people to refer to him as “The Godfather” and “The Pope," is the "Bond King" who was fired from TCW in late 2009, where in his office a library of porn and dildos of every color of the rainbow were found. He went on to set up a new shop called DoubleLine and success has followed. The firm's DoubleLine Total Return Bond Fund "outperformed every one of the 91 bond funds in the Morningstar intermediate-bond-fund universe in 2010, despite launching only in April" and "notched a total return of 16.6%, compared with returns of 8.36% for the giant Pimco Total Return Fund." And while some if not all managers would look at performance as something to be envied, Gundlach sees it somewhat differently. He tells Barron's:

"Look, I have a gift, or some would say a curse, of being able to have stunning insight into the reality of markets and the economy," Gundlach says, dressed resplendently at this particular moment in a well-tailored Italian suit with matching green tie and pocket square. "I don't often know where my ideas come from. Maybe it's the fact that I'm obsessively regimented in my analysis, borderline autistic. But whether it's bond selection or asset allocation, we can do it better than just about anybody around."

It's probably difficult for those lacking such stunning insight to comprehend how such an ability could be a curse. Gundlach doesn't get into that aspect further but the end of his Barron's profile reveals a hint.

He charges TCW with employing "smear tactics…to destroy our business." As for "the sex tapes and such," he says, they represented "a closed chapter in my life."

Given that someone who has the entire Ass Traffic series on file in his office, in addition to A Trip Down Mammary Lane, Weapons of Ass Destruction, Dr. Fellatio 1-16, plus restraining devices, brown rubber penises, pink chrome penises, and blue glass penises doesn't just voluntarily "close" the book, it's clear that Gundlach had to make the heartbreaking decision to spend his time putting his gift to work for DoubleLine clients and rather than neglecting his one true loves, donated them to someone who could treat them right.

But it doesn't mean he's ever stopped thinking about them. Some day, when all this is over, they'll be together again.

Jeffrey Gundlach Is The King Of Bonds [Barron's]


Jeffrey Gundlach Had A Little Party Last Night

December 7, 1941. November 22, 1963. December 4, 2009. All dates of such historical and cultural significance that if you asked someone where they were that day, they'd surely be able to tell you. Because they weren't just any old days; they were moments when everything changed. The bombing of Pearl Harbor; the assassination of JFK; and, perhaps most importantly, the firing of Jeffrey Gundlach from the TWC Group, which had taken issue with his decision to start his own firm, and choose to express that anger by first escorting him out of the building and second raiding his offices, where they found an amount of adult films and sexual devices that suggested Gundlach was operating an online wholesale sex shop distributor and keeping the inventory at work. TCW also sued its former employee and at the time, rather than roll over and take it which is something he would never do, Gundlach vowed to fight back and clear up the misconception that TCW was the victim in the situation. On the contrary, JG told people, the real victim was US taxpayers who were "promised" Gundlach's services and had to settled for a subpar bond manager when his relationship with the firm was terminated. Gundlach ultimately emerged victorious* and perhaps even more satisfying to The Pope was the number of TCW employees and clients who followed him en masse to his new company, the aptly named DoubleLine Capital. We're not sure how you celebrated last night's hugely significant anniversary, but we do know how Gundlach did:

Want To Earn $100,000 The Hard Way, You Dirty Little Bitch? Give Jeffrey Gundlach A Call

As you may have heard, at some point last week, bond manager Jeffrey Gundlach was robbed. Thieves took $10 million worth of stuff from the Doubleline founder's Santa Monica pad, including a couple of paintings, a few watches, some high-priced wine, a 2010 Porsche Carrera 4S, and whatever cash was lying around. While it's unclear if the burglars made away with Gundlach's collection of priceless pornographic films and sexual apparatus; if he was targeted specifically because the thieves knew they could get their hands on the original copy of Dr. Fellatio 16; or if they were tipped off by JG's regular pizza delivery guy, cable repairman, or pool boy, what is clear that Gundlach is pissed, pissed like a man who is no longer in possession of Ass Traffic Volume 2: The Director's Cut.  And that's where you come in. Mr Gundlach has reportedly offered a $100,000 reward for the return of his property. $1,000 is also being offered for information leading to the arrest and conviction of those who carried out the raid, according to Santa Monica police. And to the burglars, if you're reading this, Gundlach will see your asses in court (the real kind, unless you want to settle this in Bondage Nookie Court in which case, get in touch with this lawyer). Multimillionaire financier victim of $10-million heist [LA Times] Thieves snatch $10million haul of fine art, jewellery and a Porsche from home of wealthy banker dubbed the 'Bond God' [DM] Related (...?): Jeffrey Gundlach NOT Set Up By TCW, Big Fan Of “Dr. Fellatio” Series

Jeffrey Gundlach Went For A (Boozy) Little Drive

Now he's not doing much driving at all.