As you've more than likely heard, the New York Mets are in a bit of a tough spot, on account of getting screwed financially by their investments with Bernie Madoff. They announced last week that they need to sell a minority stake and the organization has been working the phones trying to find a buyer, with zero success so far. Included in the list of people who have turned them down? Steve Cohen. The hedge fund manager, who has a box at Citi Field, was reportedly "adamant" that he wouldn't shell out any amount of money without getting a say in the direction of the franchise. But disappointed Mets management shouldn't take this as a hard no.
This is a negotiation and Cohen can be made happy. If I know Steve-- and I think I do-- he just wants to feel like his voice is being heard. He's an ideas guy and sometimes he's got some pretty good ones. If he can't get a say in the actual business, he'll strongly consider tossing the team a few clams if the following items are adopted, most of which may translate to rings come November. The Mets want cash? This is what Steve wants:
* A new mascot; winners win with bad-ass mascots intimidating the shit out of people. The new mascot will be an ex-Navy SEAL whose costume will be the hollowed out carcass of a shark and who not so gently presses a harpoon across fans' throats during the 7th inning stretch.
* Having said that, there's still room for Mr. Met on this team, whose moves Cohen cannot resist. Moving forward he will dance exclusively for Steve during games.
* No more polyester- from now on players wear fleece. So that there's no overheating, uniforms will be required to have their top 3 or 4 buttons undone, with no undershirt, chest hair out and breathing.
* SC gets his own trading cards
* A down and out clause-- if the team is down by more than 15 games at the All Star break, players are told they're idiots and sent home. (This is how you motivate people.)
* All contract disputes are handled by the ex-Mrs. Cohen
* If they win the World Series, the Zamboni gets to be in the ticker-tape parade; Cohen sits at the front, alone, with the trophy. Everyone else walks behind.
If these demands aren't met, the team can kiss the money good-bye. It'll go toward buying the Carolina Hurricanes, moving them back to CT and re-birthing the Whale.