No matter what your level of sobriety during last night's game in Dallas, you should all be able to recall just how much the commercials sucked. From the Chevy that lets you get Facebook updates while driving to immediately confirm you're a dipshit* who just found your soul-mate (i.e. a person who feels compelled to tell people she hasn't spoken to in ten years she just went out on "the best first date ever"), to secondhand embarrassment for Eminem,** to 'get hit in the balls with a can of Pepsi Max,' they were all really, really bad. Even when there were flickers of something that had potential, like the licking Doritos off your co-workers' fingers:
...which should've been great because probably most of you have a colleague who does that or, you imagine, harbors fantasies of doing something like that, it was just meh. Didn't even register a smirk. The 'guy taunting the pug' spot, featuring the dude who should've had his entire face ripped off for using baby talk, maybe could win but it promotes small dogs which I'm not sure we can get behind. The 'I wanna sleep with her, I wanna sleep with her, I wanna sleep with her, I wanna sleep with her" commercial was relatively okay (but what self-respecting male drinks diet soda?). The Bud Light kitchen renovation was probably the least offensive to humor. But that's obviously grading on a curve. The only way I can trick my mind into thinking the 'Adrien Brody sings to a bunch of women in a speakeasy' Stella commercial was funny is if I pretend a certain Stamfordian hedge fund manager was part of the audience too and shouted "woo! woo!" in enthusiastic applause at the end.***
All in all, this hilarity is what I really would've wanted to watch, on loop, for every commercial break.****
Please weigh in/commiserate now, if your PTSD doesn't prevent you from doing so.
All The Super Bowl Commercials [YouTube]
*As if your facial hair wasn't a clue.
**I'm aware of all the people who thought this was the greatest commercial ever made and I'm fearful for you.
***I actually have used this trick a bunch of times when I need to funny-up an otherwise unfunny situation or take it to the next level of funny for personal amusement. Like when I went to a birthday party at Medieval Times last year and pretended the knights/narrator/bar wenches/waiters were SAC traders trying to break into acting on the weekends and nearly pissed my pants in laughter. Highly recommend. (Mentally swapping your friends/other people you know into these scenarios works well, too.)
****It's important to me that you don't think I'm being sarcastic right now- I can't stop pressing 'play again'.