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That Copy Machine Isn't Going To Mount Itself (Challenge)

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Is there a particular co-worker you've been thinking would enjoy a few minutes with you on top of your desk or in the men's room stall but were skittish about the idea of a) approaching them and b) having sex at work? Great news! According to FINS, lots of people are banging in a room just off the trading floor as we speak and they've got hard numbers to back it up. Use this information to make your case when offering the object of your desire two free passes to [Your Name]-ville.

Who was willing to have an actual tryst, say, in the photocopy room, for instance? Across all industries, 33% said they had had one in the office. Bankers almost matched that average with 32.5%. Accountants weren't so intrepid: only 21.74% said they had.

Bankers were also more likely to get caught in the middle of that tryst: compared with 0% of accountants, 3.7% of bankers said they had been walked in on. That was less than the average of 4.2% across all industries, however.

These numbers aren't bad, but we're confident you can do much better. So, in honor of the day, we challenge the financial services industry to double both their averages (re: office trysts and getting caught). You will receive more points for:

* How open the room is (example: bathroom: 1 point; middle of the trading floor: 10,000 points)

* How loud you are (incorporating tambourines will get you far)

* Rank of your partner (subordinate: 1 point; 5 points for every level higher they are than you; anyone in HR is 1,000 points)

* For every minute you keep going after getting caught, with people standing in the door way, you get 100 points

* Bonus points will be awarded for: wearing the mask from Scream; having phone sex with a colleague over the PA system; accoutrements; if you're the submissive type, you make your partner say stuff to you like "you are such a shitty trader."

Bankers Get More Love in the Office Than Accountants [FINS]


Food Eating Challenge Of The Day: "It's Not Clear What's Going On In His Mind And Body"

As you all are well aware, from time to time we cover food eating challenges around these parts. We don't chronicle all the feats of gastrointestinal fortitude that come our way, though, because while we love you all, not all of your FECs constitute what we'd consider an actual challenge worth covering. As previously discussed, our high bar has everything to do with the first contest we ever wrote about (as a postmortem), which involved a man named Oyster Boy, who consumed 244 oysters in 1 hour at Ulysses, throwing down the gauntlet down for one of you to pick up, vis-à-vis goring yourself for sport. Do we really expect anyone to match OB in magnitude or strength of stomach lining? No, we do not. Having said that, "challenges" such as eating 8 vending machine items in 12 hours (or in an unlimited amount of time!) are not going to cut it. It's not an exact science but we look for FECs that are imaginative, topical, and/or represent a high degree of difficulty. (And while we wouldn't actually advise it, live streaming the whole thing would make our day.) Which brings us to today's challenge. It occurred at an investment bank in midtown and although it loses points for not letting us know ahead of time so that we could chronicle the thing in real time, there are a number of things we like about it. Intern vs. VP. [Redacted] intern's last day (ever?). A dozen donuts each from our friends at DD. 1 hour limit to finish...Intern: larger build, 6'1" and extremely ambitious. VP: fit and 5'8" with a vicious appetite. Identical donut selection includes: - 2 chocolate - 2 glazed - 1 sugar - 2 strawberry frosted - 2 chocolate frosted - 1 blueberry - 1 Oreo crumble - 1 Boston creme VP downed the whole thing in 13:31. Intern disappointingly tapped out shortly after at 9 donuts and a bite. Intern is feeling "terrible," is alternating between a sugar rush and mild depression, and wants to sleep under his desk. It's not clear what's going on in his mind and body. Besides looking very uncomfortable, he's having a hard time responding to questions with any answer besides "I don't know." He's buying drinks for everyone tonight. Obviously there's zero sense of urgency here as a result of getting a recap rather than doing it live. But! Twelve adult-sized donuts (as opposed to a bunch of munchkins)? Good. Thirteen minutes for the whole spread? Good. Pitting a superior against an underling (rather than making a couple of interns race each other)? GOOD. Take these ideas, particularly the last one and run with them. Feel free to come up with your own but at least just consider making founder vs. peasant/30 minutes/2 chocolate fountains each/70-100 items to dip/race to the finish happen.

Go Ahead, Eye F*ck A Colleague: Science

Apparently it'll do wonders for your relationship, or something.

You Don't Have To Look Like That If You Don't Want To

Have the past several years wreaked havoc on your looks? Is your face starting to look like an old catcher's mitt? Do you wake up with new wrinkles every day? Do you stare into the mirror and wonder who the old, haggard looking man staring back is? Does it look like a bag lady has taken up residence under your eyes? Do you catch a glimmer of your reflection and think, "Why would anyone want to fuck me? I'm hideous." Are you generally disgusted with yourself? Do you want to do something about it, something involving a doctor's office and needles, but are afraid of what people might think? Don't be! According to Bloomberg lots of guys are taking 20 to "refresh" themselves and in fact, financial services employees represent "the fastest growing segment" of Dr. Dendy Engelman's "patient population." Everybody does it, it's just that no one talks about it. Easing Stress In Time For The Weekend [BloombergTV]