Skip to main content

Confidential To Would-Be Connecticut-Based Candy Thieves: Authorities Are Onto You


You're a hedge fund manager working and living in CT, catching a 7:30 showing of Harry Potter this evening in Stamford. The tickets have been purchased, the seats selected, and the previews about to begin. You tell your wife you need to take a leak and will be back in 5. You clumsily make your way through the aisle, forcing people to turn their legs so you can fit through and get outside. But once there you don't head toward the bathroom. Because that's not what you actually excused yourself to do. Oh, you came outside to pull down your pants and relieve yourself alright, but in a totally different way: by shoving a box of Jujubees in them.

It doesn't have to be Jujubees, of course. Twizzlers would work, as would Junior Mints or a medium tub of popcorn, so long as you get to feel the rush of taking the items without asking or paying for them.

Well here's a word of advice- unless you want your ass hauled out of that theater for questioning, you'd best stifle tonights urge because Stamford is cracking down on candy thieves, and they don't care how many years you've been "a fucking hedge fund manager for."

Police said Dr. Stuart Zweibel reached behind a counter and stole a box of Pretzel M&Ms without paying at the Bow Tie Cinemas on Wednesday night, then ran into the theater. After he was taken into custody, Zweibel went on a rant, saying, "I don't understand. I've been a surgeon for the past f--ing 40 years," police said. Manager Kristina Aolston led police into the theater. When they found Zweibel and asked him to come outside and talk to them, he asked, "For what?" police said.

When Zweibel was asked again to step out of the theater and he did not move, an officer grabbed his left arm. Zweibel finally rose, asked what was going on and told the officer not to grab him, police said. As three officers were escorting Zweibel out near the end of the aisle, police said the doctor fell forward and let out a loud scream. Once led back to the candy counter, the clerk identified Zweibel as the man who took the box of candy -- M&Ms containing a crunchy pretzel inside milk chocolate inside a colorful candy shell. Police said they believe a surveillance camera also caught the incident on tape, Blanc said. Zweibel initially told police that an "Italian manager" gave him the candy. After he was told the theater manager called police to report the theft, he told police he wanted to work the problem out by paying for the box of candy.

Instead, he was charged with sixth-degree larceny and not released into his wife's custody until posting a $2,500 cash bond. Consider yourselves warned.

Distinguished doctor charged with stealing candy at Stamford theater [Greenwich Time]


Attention Connecticut Residents: Watch Out For Tire Irons To The Face

Among the many reasons typically cited by hedge fund managers who choose to run their business out of Connecticut instead of New York are: 1. The room to stretch their shit out 2. Proximity to the Long Island Sound 3. Convenience for those already living in the area. Some probably also believe that the Fairfield County is slightly safer than New York City. That you're not going to get jumped walking out of the office or beaten with a tire iron because you messed with someone's man or woman. OR WILL YOU?