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Confidential To Would-Be Connecticut-Based Candy Thieves: Authorities Are Onto You

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You're a hedge fund manager working and living in CT, catching a 7:30 showing of Harry Potter this evening in Stamford. The tickets have been purchased, the seats selected, and the previews about to begin. You tell your wife you need to take a leak and will be back in 5. You clumsily make your way through the aisle, forcing people to turn their legs so you can fit through and get outside. But once there you don't head toward the bathroom. Because that's not what you actually excused yourself to do. Oh, you came outside to pull down your pants and relieve yourself alright, but in a totally different way: by shoving a box of Jujubees in them.

It doesn't have to be Jujubees, of course. Twizzlers would work, as would Junior Mints or a medium tub of popcorn, so long as you get to feel the rush of taking the items without asking or paying for them.

Well here's a word of advice- unless you want your ass hauled out of that theater for questioning, you'd best stifle tonights urge because Stamford is cracking down on candy thieves, and they don't care how many years you've been "a fucking hedge fund manager for."

Police said Dr. Stuart Zweibel reached behind a counter and stole a box of Pretzel M&Ms without paying at the Bow Tie Cinemas on Wednesday night, then ran into the theater. After he was taken into custody, Zweibel went on a rant, saying, "I don't understand. I've been a surgeon for the past f--ing 40 years," police said. Manager Kristina Aolston led police into the theater. When they found Zweibel and asked him to come outside and talk to them, he asked, "For what?" police said.

When Zweibel was asked again to step out of the theater and he did not move, an officer grabbed his left arm. Zweibel finally rose, asked what was going on and told the officer not to grab him, police said. As three officers were escorting Zweibel out near the end of the aisle, police said the doctor fell forward and let out a loud scream. Once led back to the candy counter, the clerk identified Zweibel as the man who took the box of candy -- M&Ms containing a crunchy pretzel inside milk chocolate inside a colorful candy shell. Police said they believe a surveillance camera also caught the incident on tape, Blanc said. Zweibel initially told police that an "Italian manager" gave him the candy. After he was told the theater manager called police to report the theft, he told police he wanted to work the problem out by paying for the box of candy.

Instead, he was charged with sixth-degree larceny and not released into his wife's custody until posting a $2,500 cash bond. Consider yourselves warned.

Distinguished doctor charged with stealing candy at Stamford theater [Greenwich Time]


Attention Connecticut Residents: Watch Out For Tire Irons To The Face

Among the many reasons typically cited by hedge fund managers who choose to run their business out of Connecticut instead of New York are: 1. The room to stretch their shit out 2. Proximity to the Long Island Sound 3. Convenience for those already living in the area. Some probably also believe that the Fairfield County is slightly safer than New York City. That you're not going to get jumped walking out of the office or beaten with a tire iron because you messed with someone's man or woman. OR WILL YOU?

Greenwich, Connecticut Nobody Threatening To Dethrone Area Hedge Fund Manager As Biggest Middle-Aged Superhero Fan In Town

Exhibit A: Friday morning at AQR, August 10. Cliff Asness glanced pensively at a candy-colored array of Marvel superhero figurines lined up along his east-facing window. Spiderman. Captain America. The Hulk. Iron Man. Comic book heroes of his boyhood days on Long Island.--The Quants, by Scott Patterson, page 100. On an August morning, Asness walks to his sun-dappled office windowsill and picks up a Captain America action figure. The hedge-fund mogul owns a panoply of action heroes, from the Hulk to the Silver Surfer, and the comic books that spawned them.--Bloomberg Markets Magazine, October 7, 2010 "Hedge funds charge far too much in general by claiming to be geniuses," says Asness, lounging on a sofa in his corner office, surrounded by foot-high plastic models of comic book heroes.--Fortune, December 19, 2011 As a child, Clifford Scott Asness gave no sign of his future as a Wall Street tycoon. He was born in October 1966 in Queens, New York. When he was four, his family moved to the leafy suburban environs of Roslyn Heights on Long Island. In school Asness received good grades, but his interest in Wall Street didn’t extend beyond the dark towers of Gotham in the pages of Batman. Obsessed with little besides girls and comic books, Asness was a listless teenager, without direction and somewhat overweight. At times he showed signs of a violent temper that would erupt years later when he sat at the helm of his own hedge fund.--The Quants, by Scott Patterson, page 12. “His super-villains are intellectual dishonesty and ignorance,” says Jonathan Beinner, a managing director at Goldman Sachs Group Inc. and a former classmate of Asness. “When someone offers an opinion that Cliff feels is incorrect or dishonest, whether it be related to investments, politics or pizza, he feels it is his duty to stand up, even if it’s not in his best interest.” Asness admits to a superhero complex. His favorite Marvel comic book character is Captain America, who gains strength with the help of a secret serum and whose shield can be used as an indestructible weapon. Asness has an image of the shield tattooed on his left arm.--Bloomberg Markets Magazine, October 7, 2010 Exhibit B: The above is a rendering of a Batcave that will soon be built in the home of an unnamed Greenwich resident. When it is completed in Novemeber, the spread will include "a Batcomputer, Batmobile, Batsuits, 180 degree film screen, sound effects, gargoyles and even a Bat-themed elevator." The problem? This guy is not only infringing on Asness's territory as resident super hero obsessive/aficionado/scholar-in-residence/neighbor who dresses up and role-plays his character of choice but is apparently too cowardly to show his face or reveal his name so that Cliff might confront him. The other problem? Captain America doesn't have some kind of cool underground lair setup of his own. The only recourse? Someone spends the next couple weeks writing a series of fan fiction that describes his house, and then spends $20 million to have that built. Greenwich Resident Building $2 Million Batcave In Home [CTNews] Dark Knight superfan spends $2MILLION creating home cinema replica of Bruce Wayne's cave [DM]