Listen up, people. From time to time around these parts we like to offer you How To Guides, to getting your shit done. Most recently we laid out the steps necessary to getting any bonus you want. Those who followed the instructions were more than pleased with their numbers come D-Day. Those who did not were laughed out of the room. Today's How To is a bit more next level. On the surface it's about how to run bank/hedge fund/private equity firm/financial institution of your choosing. But as literally anyone can do that, we're not going to waste our time. Instead, we'll be showing you how to take a failing bank/hedge fund/private equity firm/financial institution of your choosing and turn that shit around. It's the difference between not having anyone to answer to when you decide to put a bronze casting of your balls in the lobby and have a giant-sized rendering of said balls replace those of the bull on Wall Street. This is an organic conversation in which you should feel free to toss ideas of your own but to get things started we're going to offer a bunch of tips we’ve picked up in conversations with seasoned vets. Such as:
1. How to handle the succession plan with the current (and outgoing CEO): As you may or may not even be employed by the firm you're about to take over, the fact that you're naming yourself head honcho may come as a shock. Deal with it thusly: walk into his office, inform him you've acquired 51% of the company and that as such, "I'm fucking in, and you're fucking out. Now get the fuck out of my chair."
2. Introduce yourself to the firm, and get your message out about why you're there. As you'll be doing so via previously taped address, ask and answer the questions yourself. Try something (or exactly) like: "Konichiwa, bitches. My name is [your name here]. The new motherfucking CEO of [insert name of company name here]. You're probably wondering why the fuck would I want to be the CEO of a business when I could simply be out leading the life of a functioning derelict? The answer is simple. I'm changing the [banking /investing/private equity world]. I want to get everyone to stop acting like god damn pussies all the time."
3. Hire some badasses whose mere mention inspires fear up and down the Street to help you run the company. Dick Bové and Meredith Whitney? Now head your security detail.
3. Put your own stamp on the culture of the firm. You know what didn't work before? When the staff just did whatever the fuck they wanted without being held accountable. You run a tight ship where there are real consequences. Someone's messing around on his/her Blackberry during an important presentation? That person gets pelted with a blueberry muffin. Someone's caught taking a long lunch? That person is put in a surprise chokehold by the head of HR until the turkey sandwich they were enjoying falls out of their mouth.
4. Cut the fat. Literally. Do you run a firm that the entire Street describes as dumpy or one in which orders are filled before they're even placed because people fear your pecs? Early morning body boot camp classes are required not only for employees in client facing positions but anyone who could potentially come within your line of vision. To that end, hire a trainer who's going to get results by shouting "bleed, bitch, bleed" at anyone half-assing reps, and record reminders like "you want to look like a burrito in your prom dress" to be played on the elevator when the motion censors detect a Pop Tart.
5. Take a hands on approach to helping the firm earn fees, by personally lubing the deals. Let's say you want to be the sole underwriter on the IPO of NAMBLA's Facebook competitor,** but your team has been making zero progress. Get on Skype with the company's CEO and tell him/her, "Alright, bitch, you want to play hardball? I'm tired of fucking around. Before you say anything, prepare to shut the fuck up." Then flash an illustration of a man and a boy loving each other on a stack of 5 trillion dollar bills.
6. Think big. Why NOT pitch Michael Bay on directing a movie starring you as an awesome CEO who does battle with thousands of regulators, gets killed, and then comes back as a transformer built using your brain, dick, and fortress-like balance sheet? That only will quintuple your stock price.
7. Remember that part about changing the banking world? You're going to do that by doing shit other banks are too pussy to even dream of. Like creating a bank that's too big to save.
For those who need further guidance, please refer to the following training video on this topic:
**Otherwise known as Facebook.