Cuts are apparently a' coming next month.

As previously mentioned, UBS has been considering letting 5,000 employees know their services are no longer necessary at the bank, and with some less than stellar earnings today that have the bank reevaluating everything from its profit target to its meaning in life, the cuts seem even more likely. While some reports have noted that the axings will be mostly contained to back office, we're told that they're expected to be "across the board with FICC and Trading taking the biggest hits" and occur "before September," which is going to ruin the Beamers Back To School party.