How To Make Your Hedge Fund A Runaway Success, By Alphonse Fletcher Jr. (Part II)

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Remember Alphonse “Buddy” Fletcher Jr.? He's the veteran of Wall Street who last month laid out some tips for making your firm a runaway success. They included making math work for you (Fletcher says his firm has "more than $500 million of assets under management. But it appears to arrive at this figure by counting some assets more than once...A more orthodox way of measuring assets under management would produce a figure of about $200 million for one recent year."), getting creative with guarantees ("a former Fletcher deputy chief executive...says the use of the term "guarantee" [investors were promised 12%] was "colloquial" and not meant within "the legal definition") and coloring outside the line when it comes to fulfilling redemption requests. For instance, when the Firefighters' Retirement System of Louisiana said they wanted some of their cash back, instead of giving it to them, Buddy chose to send promissory notes that promised to pay up within two years." That response really chapped some hide in Lousiana--and prompted the firefighters to ask for all all of their money back-- particularly considering Buddy Boy and Co made a big show of how quickly investors could redeem during their pitch, which someone down south had the foresight to record.

When a Louisiana public pension investment panel met with a hedge fund it was considering hiring, it was told that the fund could liquidate its investments to raise money "in a matter of weeks" if needed, according to a video of the meeting reviewed by The Wall Street Journal...The DVD video recording of the investment committee in March 2008 shows a senior Fletcher representative saying the firm's investments could easily be liquidated. "When we make an investment, unlike a debt-holder or a real estate holder or a private equity investor, we can liquidate in a matter of weeks," said Denis Kiely, the Fletcher representative, in the video. "We can get our capital back.... Everything that we are doing, even if we are buying preferred stock or debt, we want to be able to get our money back in short order." A lawyer for the Fletcher firm, Marc Kasowitz, said in a statement to the Journal that before the pension fund invested, the Firefighters' representatives were "clearly informed" that "there could be liquidity issues based on market conditions at the time of redemption."

So! Tip number #4: Make sure to sweep the room for any recording devices before making claims that might later be used to make you look bad. TIP #5: if you plan to ignore TIP #4, then during meetings when you are pointedly asked about the speed with which an investor can withdraw money (with people in the distance whispering about "zoom"ing and "focus"), instead of answering "we can liquidate in a matter of weeks!" consider answering a question with a question such as "Fellas- does this look like a face that would give you any reason to pull out?", offering something a bit more abstract like "You tell me", or simply winking and making a double gun salute before quickly changing the subject to what's for lunch.

Video Reveals Fletcher Fund's Claims [WSJ]

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What To Do (Or Not Do) Upon Waking Up In A Car "Driving Through A House," Part II

Back in May, we had a frank discussion about drinking with colleagues and/or clients after work. Specifically, how many drinks one should put away in order to have a good time but not cross any unfortunate lines. At the time, we used a young lady named Sophia Anderson as our guide and said that, assuming you have the tolerance of a 21 year-old female and considered being arrested post-Happy Hour for driving your through a stranger's house one of those lines, no more than a dozen beverages should be consumed, with fourteen being the absolute max. Today we have just a quick update, to those for whom it bears mentioning, that if you're going to ignore said guidelines and have that fifteenth cocktail shortly before accepting a ride home from an equally sloshed coworker who confuses someone's front lawn/foyer/kitchen/backyard patio with the road, you should probably not agree to lie to the police and say you were the one driving. Not even if you're secretly in love with him or her; not even if he or she promises to take take you on vacation after all of this blows over; not even if you were passed out the whole ride and a bit disoriented after "[waking] up as the incident occurred and the car drove through the house." The sneaky punk who conned his drunk and coked-up girlfriend into taking the DWI rap for crashing through, and trashing, a Long Island home in his mom’s Mercedes convertible, was finally charged today with the May 28 crash and ordered held without bail. Suffolk DA Tom Spota said Dan Sajewski, 23, tricked Sophia Anderson, 21, into telling cops that she was behind the wheel when he crashed through the Huntington home of a 96-year-old woman – taking a 30-foot tree with him from the front to the back yard. Spota said the incredible demolition derby was the end result of a night of boozing and cocaine snorting at the $1.7 million mansion of Sajewski’s parents in exclusive Lloyd Harbor – when Sajewski and Anderson took a high speed joyride for more beer. ``We know what really happened that day,’’ said Spota at a press conference after the court session. He said the couple, along with three pals, were doing shots of Jack Daniels and snorting coke at Sajewski’s doctor dad’s home until 4 a.m. The crash occurred during a trip for more Heineken beer, while Sajewski was driving, said Spota. He said Anderson was passed out in the passenger seat and ``told us she wakes up as the incident is occurring and they were driving through the house.’’ Spota said Anderson ``was in love with him’’ and agreed to take the rap, after he promised to pay her bail and legal bills – and take her on a vacation. He broke his word and she revealed it was all a lie. The DA said that when an x-ray technician at the hospital told her she could not have been the driver because of her injuries, Anderson told him ``it’s a little too late for that.’’ LI punk held without bail for May 28 crash that destroyed elderly woman's home [NYP via DI] Earlier: Area Drunk Offers Handy How To Guide Re: Not Being Labeled “That Guy (Who Uses The Front Door Of A House As A Garage Door)” At The Office