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Memo To Dunkin' Donuts Whores: Same Store Sales Aren't Going To Grow Themselves

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As many of you know, though there are tremendous benefits to be gained from taking a public company, there are also serious downsides to consider, like unwanted scrutiny of your business practices. While executives at Dunkin' Brands were probably pretty pleased with last week's opening day pop, the IPO has presented some problems for the branch office employees who've been using the pastry purveyor as a front for the real goods they're selling: ass-play and hand jobs via the mouth.

A 29-year-old woman working the night shift at Dunkin Donuts is facing prostitution charges for allegedly taking breaks from selling donuts and coffee to provide sexual services in exchange for money. Melissa Redmond, 29, of Mine Hill, was arrested after a six week investigation known as “extra sugar” that began when police got a tip that people could go to the Dunkin Donuts on Route 46 and arrange a liason with Redmond. “I had gotten an anonymous tip,” Detective Sgt. Kyle Schwarzmann, who led the investigation. “She was a night time employee (working 9 p.m. to 5 a.m.), supposedly a very good one.’’

Schwarzmann began gathering information and doing surveillance at the scene. He noticed on multiple evenings that she would go out to cars to see customers and would spend 10 or 15 minutes there, he said. “Sometimes I 'd even see money changing hands,’’ Schwarzmann said, adding that sometimes the cars would stay in the parking lot and other times they would drive to another nearby location. An undercover operation was developed wth the assistance of Officer Robert Koehler and Officer Scott Haigh acting as the undercover “John.” “He went in plain clothes through the drive thru window,’’ Schwarzmann said. “He spoke to her and she said if he wanted a good time to call her and she gave him her phone number.”

With the public markets looking over their shoulders, it's obvious Melissa Redmond et al are going to need to up their game, particularly when it comes to code phrases. "A good time"? Come on ladies, you're playing in the big leagues now. Moving forward, consider trying:

- "I could use some help filling these Boston Cremes"
- "Nothing cools me off after blowing a customer for money than a nice tall Coolata"
- "I can take down bear claws two at a time and they don't get lodged anywhere"
- A sign on the front door that reads "Front enterence is locked, please enter in rear"
- "The Munchkins aren't just for eating"
- Etc.

Extra Sugar Investigation Leads To Prostitution Arrest [Daily Record]


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