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Smart People Planned For This Weekend's Event Almost 20 Years Ago*

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As you may have heard, we might be getting a little rain this weekend. Some people are approaching the threat of Irene with an appropriate level of seriousness. Others, like the those who live and work in Connecticut, have not, according to Governor Malloy, who has apparently been telling his people to get their asses in gear, lest he be forced to say "told ya so" JUST LIKE LAST TIME.

Malloy urged residents to take the storm seriously and begin making preparations now. “I hope people are listening better to me than they did about removing snow from their roofs,” he said.

While there are some people who should very much take Malloy seriously, others can listen to him just as much as they did when he told them to remove snow from their roofs. If you happen to work for RBS, for instance, you might want to stay out of the lobby this weekend, seen in the green area below, which a Category 1 Hurricane will flood. Burning the midnight oil at UBS, seen in white just across the road? While it may come as a shock, you're good!

And then there are those rare prophets who foresaw the coming deluge years in advance. No, we're not talking about Dennis Gartman. Yes, we're talking about Steven A. Cohen, whose ark, despite its alarming proximity to the Stamford Harbor, is apparently positioned perfectly to not only provide employees ample opportunity to take long walks on the beach but to withstand 40 days and 40 nights of hurricane (if needed), according to FEMA, who'd best not be pulling their usual gags on this.

The US Military appears to concur (The Fortress is in red).**

Since Steve's all set, should any residents or local businesses need help, flag him down tomorrow as he drives through Stamford in his Ford F150 with plywood in tow assisting all the idiots who bought in a flood zone board up their spots.

*Calls to confirm if SC knew the building was located in a non-flood zone when he moved in were not immediately returned.
**As you can see, one extra gale of wind will put us in the brown-- representing areas affected by a Category 4-- where we'll be fucked so despite all the above, please have SAC in your prayers tonight.

Related: The Scatological Rumor Going Around RBS For Why They Lost Power On The Stamford Trading Floor


UBS Employees Slated To Attend Networking Party For "The Sexual Elite" This Weekend: Report

The event has been described as being "like a buffet," if you're used to eating at a buffet that serves Alaskan king crab legs and singles* looking to do some extreme mingling. (*Marrieds also welcome.)